this is a super long entry...bare with me.

Sunday, Oct. 01, 2017, 7:18 PM

ok, now to fill in the holes from the last few weeks of my existence. i'll start with my bookmark from my last entry.

1. a convo with a chick at work about my singleness

her name is alescia. she's roughly 22 or 23. i may have mentioned her in previous entries. she's the one that has the nipple piercings. i didn't want to tell her i got mine done because she doesn't have a work filter. anyway, she asked me if i had a boyfriend or if i was seeing someone. i told her no. she said it seemed like i wasn't the type to have someone in the sense that i'm sorta standoff-ish. one, if not both, of our phones rang before i could go into detail. i've been single for so long that i sort of carry an air of self-sufficiency and no bullshyt. after our phone calls we didn't bring it up again.

i've noticed that as i've gotten older that people don't talk to me like they used to when i was in my 20's. i definitely got more attention from men in my 20's especially when i was smaller. but to be fair i'm working mostly with people in their early 20's. it would be highly suspicious if anyone of them would want to date someone in their 40's. i know it would freak me the hell out if the shoe was on the other foot. hell, it has been on the other foot and it did freak me out.

2. comments on how old i look

general consensus is that people are shocked that i'm 41. they say i look early 30's and "black don't crack" comments which makes me feel tons better about me getting older. i get free screenings for movies occasionally. a guy gave me a pass for a free screening at the movie theater when i went to see IT (btw, terrible movie). it was for a showing on saturday for a secret screening of a pixar movie. i looked at the restrictions and it said no one over the age of 39. i attempted to give the pass back to him because of the age restriction. again, he looked at me dumbfounded and said i was kidding. he said he still claims 27 and he doesn't look a day under 48. i mean he was all gray.

3. an interesting meeting with my supervisor

so even though i detest my job i still want to do well because working smarter and not harder means more money. incentive pay means a lot for someone that is making less than half of an IT income. anyhoo, in the meeting we were discussing how i can do better on my calls. he asks me what is missing? hell if i know! but that is the second time i've been asked that question. the first time was 4 years ago when i left big blue. to be honest, that's a tough question for me. i still don't know how to evaluate my life to determine "what's missing". i needed him to spoon feed me in finding out what was wrong. sad. all i know is that fulfillment is missing from my life. i feel like i'm wandering and the steps i need to get back on track i refuse to do. how's that for being a responsible adult?

4. naughty girl party

so my friend, darby, was hosting a Pure Romance party and invited me to come. i did get there about an hour late due to a prior engagement but apparently the party didn't show up until i got there. who knew i'd be the life of the party?! the party is all about sexual education, sexual health and sexual liberation. the woman selling the goods was really informative letting us know stuff we had no clue about. during my remaining time there i laughed at the host corny puns and coupled with the wine they were hilarious. i was there to have a good time, why not? anyhoo, during this time i found out that according to cosmo a woman is supposed to have 5 toys in her arsenal by the time she's 25.

a woman 25+ is supposed to have these 5 toys:

1. clitoral
2. g-spot
3. one to get wet, i believe they call it a sea toy
4. one to share with a partner
5. one for him

i got a bullet at 23 when 'A' left town. i needed something to replace him...and it did as far as the stimulation but there was zero intimacy/affection so i ended up throwing it away after a few go rounds.

after seeing how each of the toys operate with their various settings i was intrigued to purchase one that looks like palm-sized rabbit. it's a clitoral-stimulation toy. it hasn't arrived yet but i'm feeling ambivalent about the purchase. my hormones say yes, my spiritual commitments say no.

i did end up winning a party favor during the gig. i won caramel sundae-flavored lubricant. since i'm not getting the D, i don't need it. i ended up giving it to a married couple at church the next day. when i made my order in the back room, the consultant told me that she was so glad i showed up because it was "crickets" before i arrived. i honestly think she fibbed when i won the lubricant. i remember that she gave everyone their ticket that had their name on it when they won the prize except for me. i think that was her thank you. i do love changing atmospheres when i can.

the funny thing is i told chris about the shindig. i told him i was there for emotional support and of course he didn't believe me. he was making funny remarks about me being in attendance. i told him how i won a prize of lubricant and even sent him a picture. i let him know that i gave it away the next day to a married couple.

he asked, "why would you give it away???"
i replied, "i told you i was there for emotional support!!"
the funniest thing he ever said, "i'll get you some more. what kind do you want??!!"

i laughed so hard. i even showed darby a screenshot of the text and she responded the same way. she inquired if i was going to give chris a shot. i informed her that chris' window of opportunity closed a long time ago.

i still haven't incorporated workouts back into my regimen so my hormones are off the scale. i think if i started working out again, i wouldn't have needed this toy. even my sleeping is disturbed. i'm not sleeping through the night anymore. either i'm having nightmares that wake me up or i roll over and my eyes open. it's one thing to roll over and wake up. it's another thing entirely to wake up to a nightmare and can't go back to sleep. i've had 3 nightmares this week.

the first nightmare i had was about trump...as if dealing with him during the day isn't enough. i dreamed he was sexually assaulting a young woman in her teens. i was standing next to the bed watching everything unfold. she was saying "no" and "stop". she even started crying. i woke up before any clothes were taken off.

the second nightmare, i was involved in kinky foreplay with another woman...yeah, freaked me the hell out too. there was no kissing but there was spanking and groping. i have no idea what that is all about and i don't want to dream it again.

the third dream escapes me. it's probably a good thing because the first two were disturbing enough.

i think the dreams fall in line with my hormones running extremely high. lust is taking over.

remember back in item 1 of this entry in regards to alescia. the 22/23 young, instagram and local model? she brought up the fact that kylie jenner is pregnant at 20-years old. we both cringed. we both agreed that being so young and just now coming into life as an adult would suck being pregnant. but mulling it over now, i guess kylie jenner is a millionaire and has already lived more life than most seasoned adults. anyhoo, alescia asked me if i wanted kids. i told her no, i can't see myself with kids. i don't see myself being motherly. she was in agreement. it kind of stung but i told you she had no filter. i can't be surprised.

two days later, alescia comes into work and she's sad. i asked her what's wrong and she asks me for my phone number. it threw me off and i was puzzled as to why she would ask me for my number since she has no work filter. i gave her my number and she sends me a text. i look at the pic and it's 5 positive various pregnancy tests lined up next to each other. my heart sank. d@mn. i just replied with "it will be ok". she said she was sad and depressed and didn't sleep the entire night. we talked a bit more and i did my best to encourage her. i told her that she might enjoy being a mom and she responded with how about you? that's not my cross to carry. i didn't want to put it in her face that i don't put myself in those positions to get pregnant but i felt that would be too much of a reality check and she was already dealing with enough.

alescia said that she already contemplating breaking up with the guy because she didn't want to be in a relationship. i asked her if she thought he could have set her up? she said she doesn't know. she said they only had sex one time and they used a condom...his condom. she said he was happy about the pregnancy and wants to "be like the huxtables". now a guy being happy about a pregnancy doesn't make him guilty of poking holes in condoms but it doesn't exactly make him innocent either. maybe he felt a disturbance in the force that she wanted to end the relationship and fixed the condom.

i'm glad it's not me. i couldn't imagine being pregnant at 22/23...not to mention 41.

'A' sent me a text a few weeks ago asking if i wanted to chat. i was out at dinner with darby. i'm not going to lie, i was a bit excited that he wanted to talk to me. call me petty boots. i told him i was at dinner with a friend and that i'd hit him up when i got home. it was kinda late when i got home but i intentionally didn't make the effort. it's sad that i'm now learning not to be a "beck and call" girl. i did text him a couple of days later with no response. i have other things to do than start up bad habits.

i think i've told most of what has transpired in the last few weeks. tidbits i know were left out but i'm ok with going forward not giving them anymore thought.

� previous entry next entry �

back to index

test 3 - Thursday, Jun. 06, 2019
43 birthdays - Sunday, Apr. 07, 2019
just checking in - Wednesday, Mar. 27, 2019
happy valentine's 2019 - Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019
untouchable - Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2019