since harvey weinstein made sexual harassment a topic (but not trump) again, i must add my two cents... #metoo

i've been meaning to update for a few days now and i'm just now sitting down to do it while fighting heavy eyelids.

so last week i had a meeting for what purpose i have no clue. the presenter mentioned he has done missionary work overseas and my ears perked up. what really made me take notice is he started describing people sitting at my table including myself. he described erin as a leader. his exact words, "i can see leadership all over you. i can even see you running this building if you wanted". then he described tabitha as being "sharp as a whip" and being really intelligent. then he came to me. he described me as "analytical. it may take me a while to catch on but once i have it, i have it." yeah...so there's that. the way he spoke he behaved in the same way as a prophet. i'll see him again. his name is andre.

i've been daydreaming of riding horses again. i used to ride a lot when i was little. riding horses gave me such freedom. it allowed me a type of control and freedom that i truly can't describe. i've been looking for places to ride without it costing an arm and a leg. i even tried finding any equestrian groups on meetup.com. nothing that isn't an hour away. that leads me to this. just a couple of days ago ruben prayed for me. i was in one of my funks again. he said that God is showing him that i'm holding onto a horse while i'm surrounded by other horses. but the one i'm holding onto is a wild horse. he told me to see the beauty in it and not to let go of the horse. not to let go because God wants to take me on a ride. he asked me if that made any sense? it made perfect sense. i've been waiting so long on God to move in my life that i feel like just quitting in the wait process. like doing my own thing by turning my back on my beliefs or just ending everything. but hearing this gave me hope. just knowing that i'm actually holding on to something magnificent makes me realize that i'm closer than i ever imagined i could be. so with that being said, i'll keep holding on praying that i'll climb on top of the wild horse and hold on for dear life.

chris has been texting me more. "hey beautiful" "i miss your smile", however, nothing of any remote value. he text me saturday evening asking me what time i get off work. i let him know i get off at 8 and he replied back that he gets off at 9. big whoop...

i swear, no sooner as i walk inside my house at 8:30, he texts saying only "dinner"... should i assume he's asking me out? nope, i'm in my 40's. i'm not going to take a complete sentence for granted...so i reply back with a "?". but get this...he says, "yeah". what in the entire hell?? so i replied back with "enjoy". so to clarify he asks if i wanted to join him. i let him know i was in for the night. so it actually took 7 months of "good morning, smiles" and "how are you" to get to that exchange. a bit lackluster, don't you think?

i'm not impressed nor am i moved. if anything, i'm think the worst. why, you ask? because it's cuffing season. now that it's getting brisk outside what better way to get warm than with someone you've texted 2-min conversations with over the past 7 months. i honestly can't be bothered. i was sorta warm to the idea in the beginning...now i'm calling it like i see it...an act of convenience.

i know i'm not perfect. i'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. but at the very least i'm starting to believe i deserve my love story. anyone that treats me as though i don't deserve it won't occupy my time nor my space.

ok, there is more to write but my eyelids are too heavy. oh, and just to be clear...drogo isn't coming any time soon. i checked my receipt that i got when i ordered it. ellie said it would be 7-10 days before it would ship. well, looking at the receipt, she marked it as "backorder" then but just didn't say anything...*serious side eye* and about a month after the party the item is still out of stock. i'm thinking it will arrive some time in november. perhaps just in time for christmas.