hakuna matata

Saturday, Nov. 25, 2017, 10:33 PM

work was a breeze. due to the trailing finance charges back-firing in the company's face causing them to lose 2000 account holders a week, hurricanes harvey, irma,
and maria, the california wildfires, and the equifax debacle the phones hardly rang. i took about 55 calls on friday and saturday each day. makes me wish i worked the overtime. it would have been easy money.

i would like to talk to a guy at the moment but it's late. i briefly thought about talking to mark but that would mean i have to hear him vent about the latest happening or shenanigan. i guess i want to talk to a guy that wants to learn more about me.

i saw this tweet and my heart sank and was encouraged at the same time. it sank because i haven't known a love like this in my own family but i'm encouraged that this love does exist and one day will exist for me. in the meantime, i know that God loves me like this. he goes out of his way daily to show me his love for me. some days i do take it for granted and i have no excuses for that. i just need to do more to acknowledge his love and his love for me.

i remember when i was about 17-years old when i saw a guy that was visibly enamored by his girlfriend. the way he looked at her when she wasn't looking was if he saw the only girl in the world. the most beautiful girl in the world. you could see his heart in his eyes and the butterflies in his stomach. i had that with scott, somewhat. he used to smell me whenever we hugged. to be honest, it was awkward as hell. i would tell him to stop but it fell on deaf ears. i would catch him staring at me while he was kissing me and it would freak me out. i couldn't understand why he did those things until i met 'A'. but something was wrong. scott objectified me. i stopped feeling like a person in his eyes. i started feeling like a trophy and something to fix. i mean at one point he told me, "i will have my prize". it was that statement that put everything in perspective for me. i knew at that point that i could no longer ignore nor excuse the alarms that i was hearing in my head.

17-year old me never forgot how that guy looked at his girlfriend. that's what i want. it's not 'A'. it's not chris. it's not mark. i can't be wrong for wanting what i want.

my eating is out of control. i need to own my insecurities so i can conquer them. i need to focus on "slow and steady wins the race" instead of "fast (easy) is better". my problem is daily commitment. i still haven't conquered it. i have to do better. i can do 30-day challenges (somewhat), 60-day challenges when i remember. but something is wrong where commitment fails me everyday for the rest of my life. i don't hold myself responsible for my actions. adulting is a mofo.

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