i've been thinking about writing for a few days now but being busy for the past month working overtime, reading and doing homework for an informal class that i joined so i just haven't had the time. and as soon as i hopped on i see i have a note from stinger....HEY, STINGER!!! thanks for thinking of me. it means a lot that you can tolerate my ramblings.

i'm now at the point where i have to do OT just to simply survive. i can no longer turn my nose up at OT. it's absolutely vital that i get substantial time to get a bit more cushion on my check.

i joined a christian-based creativity class. i joined because i want to resolve my hangups when it comes to creativity so i can work towards writing a book this year. the class is helping me to be more confident in expressing my thoughts. one of my assignments was to create a new alphabet and number set. initially, i was hesitant in approaching the task but i took a deep breath and just relaxed. i just told myself that no matter what it looks like "it can't be wrong, it just has to look different than the current alphabet". when i posted it to the class, people were ecstatic because it made sense to them. they used my alphabet as a jumping board for their alphabet as they initially tried using emojis and hierogliphic-ish symbols. it really made me become "aware" that i beat myself up before i even try.

my anxiety issues have reared their ugly head again. i'm guessing it's due to my financial situation. i'm eating emotionally. i'll eat then eat again 30-45 min later. i know i'm not hungry but i'm eating to self-soothe. i've put on so much weight in the last couple of months. i now see the issue. so what i have to do is pray about it. i can't afford to be medicated and i really don't want to be. the only way out of this is to keep praying, renewing my mind daily that God is in control and He won't let me fall and trust just that. i'm going to make this weekend a "refresh and renew" weekend. i finally have 2 days off in a row which gives me plenty of uninterrupted time to meditate and get my head back on straight. i haven't done that in such a long time. not since i was working out regularly last summer. geez, when you get off the track, you get off the track.

this anxiety has definitely affected my effort in my appearance as well. i'll take about 30-min to get ready but no effort on my appearance. i'll slick my hair back in a "no-effort" bun or hair clip, and i'm wearing sweats/leggings and dirty tennis shoes everyday. i have resigned myself to not caring whatsoever. i work with mostly 20-somethings and i loathe my job. i'm putting forth just the minimal effort to get paid for a job that grinds my gears the moment i get on the phones. customer care is not for the light-hearted. i've accurately coined it "adult daycare, llc". i've been called a "fucking bitch" during the christmas season because a woman paid her bill 60 days after her due date and her account was suspended from making any new purchases until the new billing cycle. i deal with the most asinine adults EVERY working day. i take anywhere from 60-80 calls a day. that's a lot of personalities to deal with and it's taking it's toll. i'm absolutely done. just done.

that being said, i've been working with my supervisor to fast track me into another position. this new position will keep me off the phones unless it's an "all hands on deck" situation. this new position will bump me up in pay a bit and for the most part and keep me off the phones. a win-win. but ultimately, i need to get out of this line of work. it's not for me and it is a thorn in my side reminding me daily as soon as i walk through those doors.

i've been thinking of going to new orleans for my bday. i haven't been there yet and it's on my bucket list. to be honest, i don't think i can afford to go. i'll pray about it to see what God says.

i sent my appreciation gift last month to merkie and damian for their stellar hosting skills while in jamaica last summer. they loved their gifts. i can't afford to buy damian any tech so i got him $120 bucks in gift cards to a seafood restaurant. i got merkie a print of a mother breastfeeding her child that she absolutely loved. it was really perfect for her. i got their son a game of thrones keychain and their daughter some hair products because merkie said she was having a hard time keeping her hair moisturized. i wrote them all letters individually telling them how much i appreciated them and what the trip meant to me. i wrote them out prayers and a letter of prayers for merkie's dad because he had been going through chemo for a cancer diagnosis. i got a call a few days before i sent it that he bloodwork came back clean! :) :) :) being in jamaica, i have never experienced that type of friendship before now. that's not really true. i've had friends that have hosted me before in the states. i just never experienced the hosting on an island. being on an island takes hella work from getting from the mountains to the beach everyday. i experienced Jamaica and God. that's saying something so that could be the reason why i appreciated it more.

the best part of that trip is that i'm invited back :D i'm elated.

i'm glad i made an entry today. a little catharsis before work makes life a little easier. besides, employers tend to frown upon alcohol-induced catharsis before work. prudes.