i had another dream this morning. i was standing in line chatting with actor, kofi siriboe. in my dream he just finished having relations with a woman from work. he commented on her red lipstick which turned out to be my "naughty girl" red lipstick. he said that i should actually wear it because i have nice lips.

kofi is easy on the eyes, i just never considered him dream worthy.

anyhoo, i tried experimenting yesterday with hypnosis. achieving a hands free orgasm through hypnosis to be more exact. there are videos on youtube to facilitate such a feat. i played one of them and i was actually close to achieving orgasm. however, the speaker's voice is not as sultry as i would like and he ended up distracting me by continuously talking. it would be beneficial if he would know when to speak and when to not speak. even though i didn't achieve orgasm, i did mentally feel pleasure. which i think is good. i've been struggling with orgasm because i'm not mentally engaged. experimenting with this might resolve it.

i did play some other videos that mentally prepare you for bdsm but i'm not necessarily into the type of role play that was highlighted. i do want to engage in bdsm but the role i want portray is a "submissive". all the videos focused on a "slave" role/mentality. i don't want to be "mindless", give up "all control" in all areas of life while just focusing on the pleasure aspect. focusing on pleasure is all fine and good but i want a say in what will be done to me...and having a say in life for that matter. there has to be some serious trust involved to give up control like that and frankly, i don't want to go that far. i'm not sure i want to trust someone on that level. actually, i know i don't. besides, being a slave, you have no say in what gives you pleasure nor how often you receive it. you essentially have to be satisfied with just giving pleasure if the dominant called for it.

it's unfortunate i wasn't able to find any videos that focused on being a submissive because i think i really could reach another level of freedom in self-exploration. i tried replaying a couple of other videos to try to mentally achieve orgasm but the moment had passed and i just couldn't get to that place again.

i may try again today since i'm off work tomorrow. it will give me more time to relax.

i'm having an issue with life changing. i'm around too many younger people and even though we have fun together i can never truly fit in with them. i can't flirt with the younger guys because i'm the "old lady". i'm not interested in video games and anime so i can't partake in a lot of conversation with the girls. i guess that's why i'm trying to entertain myself with hypnosis. i was chatting with alex last night. he's roughly 23 and really attractive. he's studying to be an emt. i've never been in a situation before where i couldn't flirt and wanted to when all parties are single. then again, i don't want anyone that young. it would just be a fling and i want more than that.

my life is a lonely one. i changed both of my phone numbers within the last week because i got tired of scam callers outnumbering the amount of people that actually call me. it's sobering. i've decided to wait some time before i contact 'A'. i haven't talked to him since march and chatted since april. i may give him my contact info later this year. i need a break from him. i'm already getting too involved. notice how i keep track of the last time i've spoken to him. i can't give any exact details like that with anyone else. perhaps i can make this a clean break. i gave people my number that wanted to have my number or needed my number. i've noticed that the last few times i've tried to contact my aunt she hasn't responded. i need to call to make sure everything is ok. with changing both my phone numbers, no one will be able to contact me if she's not ok.

i'm not giving my phone number to my brother. i've decided to officially sever our relationship. i haven't talked to him in 3 years. this will be a clean break. my feelings towards him is that he treats me as though he doesn't have a sister. now i'm going to make sure he doesn't have one. we don't hangout in the same circles so it will be easy to part ways.

ok, i need to workout then get ready for work. i'll check back in later.