so i must confess. it turns out i am lonely and desperate. i did reach out to 'A' over the weekend because i was missing him knowing full well that what i was feeling were shadows of faint memories of what we had. remnants of addictions. he said he was thinking about me too and that i beat him to the punch contacting me. i felt uneasy yet satisfied that we still have a connection. after 20 years, i still don't want to fully let go. creepy. disheartening. unsettling.

the contact was just touching base via text to see if things were ok with each other. i tried to convince him to talk later on that night but he replied back the next day saying that he had his daughter for the weekend. that response just echoed and rattled in my chest that i have nothing going on for myself. it's heart wrenching.

i really have to work on myself. my entire paradigm is screwy. i have wrong perceptions about my life and how i view other things. realizing that, i deleted "A's" number. i didn't block him. i just want him to not be easily accessible. i didn't want to be able to scroll through texts to hang on his words. i don't want to be able just to reach out in hopes he has time to speak to me. i really need to get something going for myself. maybe i'll call my project "paradigm shift 2019".

this desperation led me to talk to darryl until 6am saturday as indicated in my previous entry. i didn't have peace with myself that i couldn't lay down to sleep. i can blame being hyped up on candy all i want. i didn't have peace and couldn't sleep bottom line.

i need to focus on how i view and handle all my relationships. God, people, food, health, etc. i really just need an overhaul of my thoughts and start from scratch. i can't treat myself like a business. i need to handle myself with kid gloves because i'm fragile and i'll beat myself up so bad that i'll quit before i get started.

i used to chase God on a regular basis when i was younger. this bothers me that i don't have the urgency that i used to have. God is my champion. i need to make room for him.