i've been super busy but i've wanted to update. i need to update although i'd rather go to sleep at the moment.

i just got back in town last week from chicago. a city outside of chicago actually. lombard. i attended a church conference. the experience was surreal. i got answers to a few prayers i've holding on for a few years now. i'm not sure if i should say what i learned here as it might be too "public" to fully express my spiritual side here or if anyone wants to hear it. one interesting and confirming thing that did happen, i was talking to a lady who asked me who is this guy she's "seeing" (spiritually) concerning me. she's seen him about 8 or 9 times. i needed more detail so what i ask her to elaborate. she says she's seeing a younger guy (she's in her late 60s) close to me. he pulls on me and drains me. it's 'A'. i said he's an ex. she said, "he's not for me, he loves me, continues to hurt me but he loves the world. he's not going to give the world up. i have to move on because the person that God has for me is waiting for me. the person that God has waiting for me is in the ministry and i have to catch up to him spiritually."

that eviscerated my heart. gutted it. i wanted to cry. even though i already KNOW he's not for me. my heart still longs for him and what we had before things soured. i haven't been in love since. undoubtedly, that's another reason why i haven't i run back to that feeling when i get anxious. i self-medicate emotions to try to deal with what ever has me up in arms. what i did today when i was overwhelmed with anxiety was take a break, wrote out my prayers and read my bible. it did wonders. i just gotta keep doing it to get me over the hump and passed this stage.

and guess who sends me a text a few days after i get back in town. 'A'. we end up talking but this time it's different. i feel a blatant disconnect when i talk to him. this was the first time in many conversations he asked me how i was but it's different. i had nothing to say. i wanted to talk. i wanted to mention things. but my life is so different now. i don't want to share any part of it with him. in part, due to embarrassment because of my job. apprehension, because my life has nothing really going on so all i really end up talking about if i do say anything its regarding my past. so just to stay engaged in conversation i brought up Darryl and the college encounters. he didn't seem to recognize or acknowledge the disconnect because he kept talking but i noticed it. it was like the first time we met and i touched him and i said, "you're leaving". i'm not sure i mentioned that here.