today is sunday and i haven't done jack all day except pick up sushi. i'm starting to pay attention on how my body responds to food. when i get in a green smoothie or a salad, i'm full of energy. i got veggie sushi and i passed out on the couch. i could not keep my eyes open to save my life. i see what it means to eat to live. i just need to be more discipline to do this on a daily.

i've been thinking about my mother more often. i really miss her. it's strange not having her here. we had a terrible relationship and i did what i could do to avoid her to maintain my peace. in retrospect, it was cruel but i didn't care. i wonder if God will punish me for my actions. i'm regretful now but it's too late to make amends. i just couldn't get passed all of the personal attacks. i just wish she had a better life. surrounded by those that loved her. i wonder if she had made better choices in her life if she would have been happy. i've truly only known her to be miserable. would she still continue to paint? would she take better care of her health? would she focus on being happy? i can't help but think about an idea i had to send her red roses for her birthday. it was weighing so heavy on my heart to do it but i was so strapped for cash. she was dead 2 weeks later. i can only repent to God and pray He forgives me.

pondering motherhood, even though i wanted to be pregnant i really don't think i would have made a good mom. i'm not patient and i think i would have repeated the same mistakes my mother would have done with me. i just don't have the love required to care for another person.

i talked to vertta a few times this week. vertta has started menopause. hot flashes, vaginal dryness, etc. it was just yesterday we were 22 and vibrant. now we are dealing with hairloss, hormones, etc. funny what time can do.

so i had 3 days off work and i didn't touch my class. i have one week left of this class and i'm still on week 2. something is really wrong with me. i wonder if i have been stuck so long that i don't expect to get out so i'm only making a partial efforts. in layman's terms i'm a phuck up. maybe i'm not a phuck up but perhaps i'm convinced i can't do any better. i don't know.

i still think about 'A'. when thoughts cross my mind i pray and ask God to make me whole. it's been helping. maybe i should pray the same thing when it comes to my mindset regarding who i am in God. i squander time like no other. i have to stop. i'm 44 and i need to make efforts to complete something new.

i'm gonna make another vegan quesadilla.