so the other morning i had a terrible nightmare. i dreamed that 'A' witnessed his brother being violently killed in front of him. he was inconsolable. not that they are close but that type of violence can make anyone snap. i could feel his pain and his anguish but nothing i did could help. i woke up with so much heartache. i debated contacting him. the feeling was so overwhelming that i couldn't bare it. i sent him a text at 630am, thankfully, it's 730 on the east coast. it took him a while to respond but he said he was good. i was relieved but it took me a long time to shake that feeling. it still haunts me a little. what i'm doing is trying to stay occupied with other things.

i have good news. i had a screening for another position at my company. the position is in account protection and the last i heard they were hiring 80+ people as of feb. corona delayed everything and maybe even affected the actual numbers to hire. but the good news is i did well enough in the screening that the guy tried to get me to interview on the next day. since my current schedule doesn't include fridays i had to schedule it for monday. there are some downsides with the job.

1. it's a lateral move so no extra pay.
2. i can't keep my elite schedule. so i'm back to working 5 days a week with no consecutive days off.
3. it's a split-shift schedule. i will have to work either a sun or saturday every week and one day off in the middle of the week. with care, my original schedule is work 3 saturdays and get the 4th one off. here it's a dedicated schedule. *le sigh*
4. training starts late. 9:30/6pm for 4 weeks. not that this is technically a downside, i just like starting early so i can get out early. i want my day.

the upsides:

1. you have the opportunity to bonus IF you rank in the first half of your peers. from what i hear, the bonuses aren't as high as they used to be but you still get something on the last paycheck of the month.
2. if i choose to work sundays at 6am, the call volume has been purported to be slower. it would be nice to be off at 230pm everyday but i'd miss out on church. well, not technically. i don't plan on going back inside the building for the rest of the year so hopefully something else will pop up as far as scheduling.
3. i'll no longer will be dealing with the monotony of care. for the past 3 years, i've been dealing with late fees, past due accounts and aggravating account holders that are mad they can't shop because they didn't pay. now i don't doubt i'll have some assholes but i don't think it will be as frequent. people tend to be a lot nicer when they need help. there are a few that surprise you by cussing you while you're helping them. this is why i have a tendency to hate people.
4. i get the opportunity to learn something new and for 4 weeks i won't be taking phone calls due to training.

i really need to find a higher paying job. i need repairs done to my house and a few things need updating. one thing that's getting done this friday is i'm getting a new hvac system. my current one is running at it's max and it won't make it through this summer. so that's 10k out of pocket. i need to have my master bathroom done. it's in dire need of repair and updates. i need to update the kitchen. it has a late 90's look that needs a more modern finish. i noticed some dry rot around the house so i need to get wood replaced and painted. i need probably an additional 15k to get everything done. perhaps 20k.

i've mentioned it previously, dealing with depression i've found it difficult to clean. what i've decided to do is to spend 15/20 minutes cleaning. i've started with my garage. after cut the grass, i spend time in my garage tossing out crap and organizing. although i'm not finished, my garage looks 60% better. i've even started sweeping. it's been cathartic. i even started purging my car. i've tossed IT books out because i'm never going back. i've been hesitant because some of the books are still viable. but i can't hold on to them because i'm not going to do anything productive nor profitable with them. so in the trash they go. i'm making room for my new life.

with quarantine not going anywhere anytime soon. i want to focus on some hobbies. i want to make some headway trying something new. i have 4 things i want to try:

1. writing a book. i've finished the class, now i need to put what i've learned in action.
2. reading more. i'm spending way too much time on the couch watching netflix. it's time to grow.
3. i need to find my workout dvds. i've packed on the pounds since quarantine has started and i'm really uncomfortable. i go up the stairs and i'm out of breath. i wanna start yoga again but i feel guilty. not because i feel that's wrong but because others say that it's wrong due to some eastern mysticism.
4. i'm going to have a pretty lawn this year. i've already started. i've made more efforts so far this year than i have since i've had the house. i'm doing research and asking for advice. i've even bought a dethatcher. unfortunately it took a month for delivery so it's too hot to use it now. but come fall i'm getting the accumulation of 18 years of dead grass out of my yard. i bought some "economical" aerator shoes (which are cumbersome to use) to help me bring some life back into my lawn. i wish i had gotten a sprinkler system years ago when i had the money. well, can't think about mistakes now. just gotta push forward.

but what i have been successful at doing for the past couple of months is skincare. i've never been consistent at taking care of my skin. but i can honestly say for the past 2 months, i've been taking care of my skin twice a day, exfoliating and using a mask 2 to 3 times a week. my skin looks so much better. it's a shame it has taken me to age 44 to make the effort, morning and night. but i'm not dead so it's never too late. i found a nice skincare line and my skin looks supple.

i didn't know today was father's day. i found out yesterday because of people in a rush to get cards and balloons. i haven't spoken to my father in 6 years. this morning i thought about him as i was laying out weed killer in my yard. i whispered, "happy father's day, black man". i have to work through forgiveness for my own sake. jesus said "forgive them for they know not what they do". same thing for him. he doesn't understand the true consequences of what he's done. so i am walking through forgiveness so that i don't hold it against him. i think part of the unforgiveness resides in fear of the unknown and the vain imagination that i have control over the situation. it's a step in the right direction. having these talks with God are for the best. they help me with revelation. speaking of father's day, i thought about texting 'A' happy father's day but i decided against it. fuck it. fuck him. i don't owe him anything. to still be able to love someone and think "fuck him" at the same time means a lot. probably confusion but i think it's a step in the right direction. hopefully focusing on my goals will keep my mind off him.

today is day 18 of spotting/bleeding. the only other time i experienced this was when i had fibroids and i was using the pill to try to control my cycle. i don't have fibroids and i'm not on the pill. the only difference is i'm 44. the change is happening. i'm going to have to ride it out because i'm not going into the hospital. since my ob/gyn closed his practice due to the rona, i have to find a new doctor. my primary care physician will have to do. i need to have blood work done i'm just not going at this time. thankfully, i'm not having a heavy cycle or i'd be exhausted. it's been primarily spotting with about 4 days with a substantial flow. i'm just really tired of having my hand up my vagina. wearing cups has been my saving grace but for 18 days...i'm tired of it.