it took me 3 days of inquiring all to find out that i didn't get the job. i just knew in my heart that i had it. i should have known i didn't get it by the recruiter's tone. i was still hoping she would perk up her tone but as she continued she let me know they weren't going to continue pursuing me for the position. everything else from there was a blur. she basically said i could have answered two questions better. one question, i followed my supervisor's advice but it wasn't good enough apparently. the second question, i don't even remember them asking.

this is a humbling experience. i'm 44 and i can't get passed an entry level position in the company i've been in for 3 years. i know God has something better for me but it's hard not to feel like a fuck up. i really wanted this job. i wanted something new. to be 44 and have to haggle someone over a late fee multiple times a day is hair-pulling torture. my classmates from college are making an impact and here i am falling flat on face. the only highlight i have for my current position is i get to keep my 4x10 schedule.

i have to be thankful. 40 million people are out of work and would beg to have a job. *le sigh* but i'm slowly shriveling in this position. no growth. no motivation. no inspiration. and i'm tired of talking to racists. i talked to one yesterday. i have to be careful how i phrase things but she was a racist and didn't even know it. i'm really tired of opening my mouth.

there is something else i wanted to add but for the life of me i can't think of what it is. oh yeah, forgiveness. it's a blocker that's blocking me on a spiritual level. i'll talk more about it later.

friday, i'm going to a missouri liquor store to purchase the rock's teremana tequila. it's not sold in my area in kansas. since i'll be over in missouri on friday i'll pick some up on the way back home. i wanna give it a whirl. he has a recipe on his ig page for a watermelon manarita. it looks really good. i figure i will get inebriated and hang out with jay black (my favorite toy). i might as well have my firework inside the house, right?

i pray you all are doing well. be safe. i'm going to bed.