i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately and how much i want to be in one. but damn covid is going to obliterate any opportunities. life is getting mundane. i'm trying to stay focused. i have some ideas to "better" myself. grow. i decided to take one of harvard's free classes online. most of the classes available are essentially humanities. i decided to take a class about women changing history and to my dismay, the class is quite dull. it's presentation is choppy and distracting. i don't want to appear ungrateful at all, i just expected more virtual advancement from a prestigious university.

the reason why i wanted to take this particular class is because i want to be great. i want to do something that impacts the world. i want to leave a legacy. i even dare to want to win a nobel peace prize. my problem? lack of direction and determination. you know what else i want? other streams of income. in order to do so i'm going to have to get over my disdain for the general public. my current customer care position is to blame for this. in order to take on my streams i'm going to have to get passed my repulsion for people. it seems like everything i look at involves some sort of sales in a pyramid structure in which you have to get people to sign up in order to supplement income. exciting, right?

back to relationships, i've been praying about what i want from a husband. what type of relationship i want to have. i desire to be with someone that excites the newly engendered sapiosexual desire that i want to indulge. someone that wants to know me, know more about me. question me about how i think, what i ponder about, what my fears and aspirations are. questions life, politics, things people don't normally notice. not to be antagonistic but just out of sheer wonder. i want someone that loves me in a way that makes my heart melt. i want someone that's happy to be married to me. that goes out of their way to be me. to see me smile. that encourages me to be my better self. i actually want to be with a vegan now. even that works out on a regular basis. someone that loves God, hears Him clearly, obeys and ponders the bible daily. i want to be with a visionary as well. i, especially, struggle in that area because to this day i have no idea where God is leading me. but just as much as he intrigues me, i want to intrigue him in a way that he never gets bored.

it's the beginning of "cuffing" season and it's just now getting cold (a lovely 45 degrees to start the season). this is the time that you really wanna cuddle and be next to someone special. i've been watching a lot of hallmark-esque movies just to satisfy that need to have someone next to me. speaking of satisfying feelings, the toy i bought over the summer: the womanizer, has been nothing short of amazing. finally, at the ripe age of 44.5 years of age, i've been able to give myself a multiple orgasm. it was fantastic.

i miss outside. i miss going to restaurants with my friends. traveling the most. i should consider myself blessed that i'm not sick and in the hospital and waiting for a large hospital bill. being in quarantine is a small price to pay. and actually is a good thing. i have all the time quarantine can offer me to better myself. it's all how i manage the time.

you know, i'm pretty interesting. i want to explore and absorb what life has to offer (under God's direction, of course). what i've understood about this quarantine, without distraction, is that i require more effort and i just require more.

i've been reading a book called, "the evolution of a girl" by l.e. bowman (just so happens to be 'A's last name). initially i thought it was poetry, but it's a collection of thoughts, similar to mine, about relationships, moving forward from a relationship that didn't benefit her, acknowledging her voids and how she used the relationship to fill them. one excerpt from the book :

"...i was so willing to forgo parts of myself just to hold you that i painted all your red flags white."

i told 'A' at the beginning the year that i would shrink myself in order to be with him. i also told him that he was still my love. all he could focus on was that i still loved him. he couldn't care less that shrank. didn't even inquire in what way or why i would even feel the need to shrink. just focused on that i loved him. considering that, i think he loves me not for me but because of how i make him feel. i would periodically ask what he misses about me. he would always respond, "you. just you." never anything specific. not the way i laugh or smile. not my cooking. not my desire to call him daily. nothing but "just you". it took me time to find an answer when i posed the question to myself. i miss the intimacy. the genuine connection. that place where we connected that i could feel his thoughts and he could feel mine. where it felt like i had a lover for the first time. where the world disappeared leaving us in bubble. i liken it being on Aladdin's magic carpet ride having an aerial view of the world for the first time or seeing all the stars in the sky for the first time. sobering thing about it is i haven't been able to experience it since, not even with him. but that's what i missed. i missed a feeling that he was able to share with me but no longer able recreate. that's what i loved. those areas are void haunted with memories and ghosts of what used to be. it's amazing, after 13 years after we break up, i'm still going over our relationship with a fine-toothed comb to get a better understanding of the why, how, what and when of it all so i don't repeat them in the next relationship, whenever that comes.

but i like this time to focus on me. i pray to God that he helps me be still long enough to hear clearly and to obey.