i've just wasted 4 days of my 5 days off work. the only thing i can say i did was a binged a netflix show. although i enjoyed it immensely, it was still a waste a time. i'm mentally making efforts to fight off depression but i'm not doing enough physically. i have to make more of a physical effort to keep myself engaged to be intentional with my life.

right now, i'm fascinated with dave chappelle interviews. he's a great comedian hands down. i just happen to love listening to him articulate the way he thinks. he thinks beyond himself. he ponders things that people normally don't consider. i want to have conversations like that. i want to have conversations that make me consider the oblivious. i just don't have anyone like that. people are married, about to be married, have kids, or other responsibilities that makes it impossible to have these conversations. it's unfortunate.

speaking of conversations, a co-worker in account protection, volunteered some information that i really didn't need nor want to know. but now that i do, i'm uncomfortable. he just offered up that he's wiccan and his number. he said that he doesn't normally give out his number but he feels that i'm good people and he'd love to talk. this guy has a family, not quite sure about the wife situation but i can't/won't do it. the last thing i wanna do is give my number to someone that practices witchcraft. as a christian i won't give him access. it was just weird how he offered up his number. the women do that, but the guys don't. strange. well, i take it back. another guy offered up his number and made too many presumptions about what was going to happen between us. nothing drives me more insane than a guy you just meet presume your input and permission is a mere formality.

i'm not sure i mentioned it in my last entry, but i'm struggling with the thought of doing overtime. i just can't bring myself to do any additional work. i'm just doing what's required then i'm done. i'm really over talking to people and this job. i just have to do hold on for just a bit longer for when it's time to go.

what i am doing is getting ready for this second covid wave. i went to the store today to buy essentials. i bought 2 large packs of toilet paper, more canned and dried goods, laundry detergent, etc. i get that people are tired of the restrictions with the virus but the only alternative is to get sick, die or have long-term side effects. i understand that people are happy about the new administration coming in bringing some sense of professionalism and common sense back to the office. i was tempted to run down the street to celebrate but i don't need cooties in my life. then on top of that the million maga march happened, no one had on a mask. america: let's go from dumb to dumber in one week. as if doctors don't have enough to do.

you know what, when i was really on top of my game with workouts and eating well, i was play motivational youtube videos while i slept. those words were sinking into my mind that motivated me when i was awake. i'm going to start doing that again. i really need to workout. even though i'm down about 10 pounds, i wanna lose 70 more. i'm not able to do this without some extra effort on my part.

i talked to a long time friend that i've had since '99. i asked her if she would give me a protective style because i've always wanted twists and now that my hair is growing out, it's in that in-between phase. she did warn me that my hair texture is loose enough that the protective style may not hold for a considerable amount of time. hopefully, i'll be able to do maintenance if they unravel slowly. but we'll see. to be honest, i'm over short hair. it's easier to keep up but i feel i look older with it. at a stage in my life where i'm missing my younger years, looking older is not my intent. i find myself reminiscing a lot for my younger years. it's a lot to swallow that i'm just down the street from 50. it shouldn't be a lot for me to wrap my head with the gravity of everything happening these days but it is. i never thought i'd be this old and this old in this position: single, no family, in a job i hate, seriously overweight, etc. sobering. but i know there are things that i can control, i just need to do it.