2020 is a mofo

Saturday, Nov. 21, 2020, 12:11 AM

Mammograms are now part of my life and have been since my mother died. They are unnerving and uncomfortable. It's hard not to worry. I'll get my results by mail in a few days if nothing is wrong else I'll get a phone call to get another sonogram. This year is the first year that I didn't get any phone calls in October from customers that had breast cancer. It could be because covid is all the rage and that's all anyone can talk about. However, it still puts me on edge.

I wish I had gotten my boobs pierced in my 30s. Having to take out my piercings everytime is an inconvenience. When I was researching the piercings, all the information I found indicated that I didn't have to remove them for mammograms. It's concerning that multiple websites are incorrect regarding that.

These fibroids are giving me the business. I'm heavily considering starting the pill again just to control the bleeding. The bleeding isn't nearly as bad as the last set of fibroids but it's turning out to be a problem. My period is getting longer and longer. What used to be a 4-5 day period is now turning into 10 with no end in sight. Losing blood over a long duration of time causes iron loss and fatigue among other things. Thankfully my bleeding isn't as heavy. I remember Keith saw me at work and I was grey from the blood loss as well as struggling to function. And for a black woman to be grey, that's saying a lot. He was scared. He ran out to get me a meat-heavy breakfast from cracker barrel to get my iron levels back up. He made sure to stay on top of me taking my iron pills so I wouldn't require a blood transfusion. I'm just not good at taking pills so me going back on birth control pills will be a task.

Keith's mom is in hospice and has been for about a week. She's declining rapidly. I remember when my mom died, Keith said absolutely nothing while I was grieving. Not even a mere, "I'm sorry for your loss" or "my condolences". Absolutely nothing. He just wasn't there at all. No phone calls. No card. Like he never existed. And I really went though it with being rejected by my immediate family. I really would've appreciated having him around to talk to but he just wasn't there for me in the slightest. That could be how he handles death with his friends. I don't know. Because of that, I'm not sure in what role I should play now that he's going down the same road. I'll play it by ear. Bad thing is, his dad is declining at the same time. He's bound to lose both of his parents by Christmas. If I haven't said it previously, I'm going to say it now. 2020 is a mofo.

I still think about my mom. I miss her. I don't have anyone else. Technically, I never thought I had her because we had a terrible relationship. I don't know. I guess I have regrets that I'll never be able to shake. I have this little voice in the back of my head that I'm not a good person because I didn't treat her better. Maybe I'm not.

Yesterday was also 'A's birthday. I'm being petty. I'll wish him a happy belated after Tiffany leaves next week. I really wish I could remove him totally from my system. It's insane how someone I met more than 20 years ago, haven't seen in 13, is still occupying my thoughts.

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thanksgiving 2020 - Thursday, Nov. 26, 2020
2020 is a mofo - Saturday, Nov. 21, 2020
wasting days. - Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020
it's still not over #45 - Sunday, Nov. 08, 2020
210ish, 70 more to go. - Sunday, Nov. 01, 2020