the unmitigated gall

Thursday, Feb. 11, 2021, 9:12 PM

so i get this letter duct taped to my door. before i ramble my thoughts, i'll type what the letter says verbatim.

"Nicole

Attention
shots for the virus!!

(inside)

Nicole
Lonnie ?
Lonnie LJ III

Please be at the church on 27th &
Prospect. Shots for the virus be given out.
Every thing has been taken care of. You
must be there at 1:30 This Saturday.
Let Lonnie and his son know."

this letter is absolutely insulting but creepy as hell. i know who wrote the letter. the person formally known as my father. i haven't spoken to him in 7 years. matter fact, the last time we spoke is when he asked how i was at my mother's memorial.

so now this letter is duct taped to my door. i'm really upset by it. there is no "hi. i miss you." no "let's get counseling. let's reconcile". nothing. just instructions. i'm actually surprised he even said, "please". he didn't even bother signing the letter. like addressing me like an actual person is unnecessary and a formality.

seven fucking years without even card or a kind word in my direction. but yet, i'm expected to jump at his instructions as if he is still protecting me or even has a say in my life. those days are over and done with, buddy. God is protecting me like He always has. your assistance is no longer required nor desired. he denied my paternity in court when he and my mother were going through a divorce. him arranging a hard-to-get vaccine is not going to absolve that rejection. don't get me wrong, the gesture was nice; however, the execution was abysmal and dismissive.

i'm not doing it. since i'm not talking to my brother either, for the essentially the same reason, he's not being notified either. the only reason why he didn't take it to my brother's house is because my brother moved shortly after my dad stopped speaking to us.

i feel like being spiteful. i'd like to mail the letter back with the return address showing my mother's maiden name as my last name. i just can't be bothered with pettiness nor the effort to purchase postage.

but i wanted to get that off my chest before i destroy the evidence.

why is this my life?

i really wanna move now.

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pre-birthday thoughts - Saturday, Apr. 03, 2021
some updates, more to come - Sunday, Mar. 21, 2021
self-sabotage and a dream - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2021
good news - size 10 jeans. (two days worth of jounaling) - Sunday, Feb. 28, 2021
a little catch up and a couple of dreams - Sunday, Feb. 21, 2021