it's minutes before my bday. things are really confronting. i went to the doctor yesterday for my physical. she asked me about my period and if i was still getting them. i just let her know that they are still a thing. then she brought up perimenopause. she said it's about time i start as menopause on average happens at 50. the whole thing is surreal. i've been fertile for most of my life and now it will be coming to an end at any time. it's definitely one of those things you take for granted. i can't fight it forever. one day i will just have to deal with it.

she was super happy that i lost a bunch of weight. blood pressure looked good as well, although i still want to get it lower. blood pressure is 120/70. i want to get that 120 number down some more. i remember it being around 100 and even 110 at one point during my smaller days. i'm looking forward to my test results. i'm getting the normal blood work done but with the extras of vitamin D, iron, thyroid, and B12 now that i'm vegan. i should get my results back some time next week.

i haven't been around anyone for my birthday in a few years. i think the last time i was with someone for my bday it had to be in 2014/2015 when i went to new york. it will be nice to have tiffany here to help me celebrate. we're making sushi and watching movies all day. that will be a good day.

i'm starting to see my area of influence. tiffany is now vegan. the once heavy, meat-eater is now looking at documentaries, labels, and bypassing the meat altogether. further more, she's going to make her new husband go vegan as well. she's also trying to make her mother, stepdad, and sister switch over as well.

we saw seaspiracy and we were disgusted. i don't think i can ever eat seafood again after what i saw.

another turn around the sun and i'm still single, no kids (although that prospect is out the window by now) and i'm still fighting depression. the silver lining is that i'm not married to the wrong person, i don't have any kids with said wrong person and i'm still fighting depression...to win. i'm awesome and i need to acknowledge that even though i've made a lot of wrong decisions and wrong turns, i'm still making an honest effort to make the right decisons and take the right steps.

it's still hard being a college student and in my opinion, i don't know a lot but i took my test on friday. i got an A on one test and a C on the other. current class grade is a 88%. i'm thankful. i still need to study and meet with my teacher for clarification but i'm doing better than i thought. to think i got scared and i dropped the course.

i was thinking about mom. i miss her being here. i thought about my dad. i'm still angry. i'm calmer but still angry. and i feel indifferent about him in my future. actually, i take that back. i'm reluctant about him having a part in my future.

forgiveness is still heavy on my mind. to be honest, i'm not sure my mind can let go of the hurt to free myself from the pain.

i'm getting sleepy so i need to end it for tonight. i'll catch up tomorrow.