finally able to catch up and a dream.

Thursday, May. 13, 2021, 10:08 PM

school is done for the spring semester. i won't have my grades for a few more days. i will say i barely made it. i tried to quit yet another time. i didn't tell my friends because i didn't want them to talk me out of it. my logic behind me quitting was that i was studying to take a test and not to learn. if i don't know this, i could actually hurt someone. i'm dealing with lives, not databases. i emailed my professor to let him know that i wanted to drop the class and retake it in the summer. he replied, "yes, you can retake it in the summer. God has something for you to do." seriously??!! i'm floored. he schedules a zoom meeting with me after a few days. we have a heart to heart. he talks me into staying in the class.

my neighbor, rose, caught me outside and started yapping. i did find out some pertinent and not so pertinent info. she mentioned some neighborhood happenings that i couldn't care less about HoA fees and fees that people incur for minor infractions. she mentioned that a neighbor was harassing her as well. he was informed that a neighbor complained about the semi-truck cab parked in his drive. it's against city laws or whatnot. he walked up to her and asked her about it. she admitted it. she reported him to the HoA office because her realtor suggested it would be harder to sell her home if a potential buyer had kids. he cussed at her, told her a bunch of unnecessary information and then started harassing her by standing outside staring at her while she is doing yardwork. he would go outside and just watch her. rose is in her 60s. that's really creepy. we prayed. i prayed for God to change his heart. the next day i bought her a flower bouquet because i wanted her to feel appreciated. she told me that the neighbor changed his tune and he started being nice again. she's been taking care of my lawn on the portion that connects. it looks nice. i really need to work on the other side of my yard. it's raining all this weekend so i'm going to reach out to her next weekend to get some info on how to take care of it.

also she mentioned that she watches the neighborhood for everybody just to make sure everyone's house is safe. since she mentioned that, i asked her about the note on my door back in february. she said, "oh yeah. your dad came by and asked if you still lived there." i told her we had a really big falling out and that if he comes by again, tell him that i moved. i went into some detail and for the first time she didn't look comfortable hearing the happenings of my life. she said that she would oblige and that she's staying out of it. but here is where it gets really interesting. she that he's been by my house 3 times in the last year. and the most recent time before feb was back in december. and i remember seeing tire tracks in my driveway. i just figured that someone used my driveway to turn around to go the other way.

but wait, there's more. i prayed about my interaction with my dad. i feel justified in exiling him out of my life but i had to ask God if i was right. the bible clearly states "honor thy mother and thy father" so what do i do when he professed in court that he's not my father? i honestly prayed because i didn't want to be out of order with God. i had a dream a few days later. i was laying in bed and i opened my eyes to my mother walking into my room with my father just a few steps behind her. she turns towards me and my father did a straight punch to her gut and she crumpled to the floor. i jumped out of my sleep when i tried to stop the abuse. as i lay there i'm devastated by what i just saw in this nightmare. it stayed with me for a few days. i asked a friend about and filled her in on some details. she said that was God warning me that my dad hasn't changed, he's still violent and to not to reconcile. he's still dangerous. you don't have to tell me twice. i'm at peace with it and honestly, a bit relieved. fully relieved actually.

hopefully, i'll be able to move without a trace. i'm fully reconciled to never speaking to any family ever again outside of my mother's sister. even then we don't talk often. when she does pass, i just have any idea of knowing. i'm making myself ok with that. to go somewhere when i can leave everyone behind and not look back.

well, i'm off to bed. i've been fighting sleep for the last 45 min. i'll try to fill in any missing pieces soon.

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on this week of "i'm over it" and a dream. - Saturday, Jul. 17, 2021
some revelations - Friday, Jul. 09, 2021
two entries in two days - Sunday, Jun. 27, 2021
i'm fucking over it. - Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021
finally able to catch up and a dream. - Thursday, May. 13, 2021