i'm fucking over it.

Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021, 10:45 PM

i'm playing catch up since my last entry.

i'm desperate to sign up for a CNA class for fall semester. the only issue is the classes are all full. i'm on the waitlist for every eligible offering. i talked to my advisor. she informed me that the classes with the longest waitlists are harder to get enrolled in so i need to apply for all the classes with reasonable schedules. i've been waiting for weeks with no light in sight. there are 2 classes that have potential. one on a friday, where i'm #4 on the waitlist and the other that is mon/th where i'm #2. i'm going to have to drastically change my schedule if mon/th comes available first. but something has to give. i need to do something else. i've prayed about it. not only for a slot to allow me in class but to actually develop a passion for it.

i'm on the verge of quitting. it's taking a mental and physical toll on me. it got so bad that one day a customer aggravated me so badly that i put myself on mute and started beating myself about the head. the general public is exhausting and i'm completely over it. i'm giving myself 3 months to get a new job or i'm going on short-term disability. depression is kicking my butt. with tiffany gone, i'm even lazier with cleaning. i wanted to do so much this weekend and i'm still bingeing shows i'm finding on streaming platforms. right now i'm currently watching "black summer". it's more intense than the beginning seasons of the walking dead. it's good and it's a different take.

tiffany is currently in jamaica for the week. it's nice having the house back to myself for 10 days. i need to do a deep clean and make some repairs around the house. i'm only charging her $200 to stay with me. i should have charged her $300, in retrospect. $200 only covers the increase in the bills. $300 would have allowed me to make a profit. geez, i just looked at her last apartment here. they are charging $940. but i never expected that she would actually stay this long. i definitely should have charged her between $300-$400. but i'm trying to help out a friend work on her immigration and bills. we both didn't expect for her to be here this long. what's done is done. this would have allowed me to get some repairs done faster. that $200 is gone so fast. i'm trying to pay off bills so i don't have them next year like HoA fees and odds and ends here and there.

i'm going to have to find a better paying job outside of this company. the things they are doing are messing not only with my mental health but also my conscious. they are doing customers so dirty. they come under the guise of "we're trying to compete with other credit cards"..."other credit cards do it". i have one of the credit cards they are using as an excuse...they don't charge me extra fees, residual finance charges, hike up my apr, etc. i've had the same apr of 15% since 2005. although, if i miss a due date my interest rate will go over 25%. i make sure that joker is paid and even put myself on autopay. but yeah. they are an organized mob and i wanna leave. not only because of the customers but now primarily because of the company. they've implemented these new audits that rank you on 9-12 metrics instead of 3 that i've been able to master for the last 2.5 years. so let's say under the current model, i'm ranked 15 amongst my peers. under the new model, i'm ranked 140. if i'm being ranked on just 3, the other metrics can kiss my grits. now that i have to pay attention to the remaining 9, it's going to make it harder to compete. so now i have to go from bending over backwards for the account holder, i also have to jump through 10 more hoops for the company. i'm already under too much stress as it is. it's time for a change.

i had a coworker quit on friday. i think he may have put in 1 week's notice. as soon as he put it in, the stress he was experiencing was gone. i'm going to have to step out on faith on this one. i'm waking up every work day sad for the day and i'm hating my life. i reached out to a counselor through work. it's emails at this point but i'm going to have to speak to someone that can get me time off work if i can't find something in these next 3 months.

my sex toy stopped working. it threw a hail mary the last time i used it. as soon as i climaxed the thing stopped working. i thought the battery just died, but the motor felt a little different when it stopped like it felt more of mechanical stop than a battery dying. now it makes sense. the motor just gave out. i'm glad it gave me all it had before it died. this is the best toy i've ever used. i normally just throw them out after i get used them. not this one. not jay black. i looked online for possible fixes. turns out this thing has a 5-year warranty. since i've had it just mere days over a year, i'm covered. i don't have to shell out another $150 for this work of art. i really thought i had to buy another one. i will say this is the longest i've had any toy. i usually keep them for a few months before the novelty wears off. this one has a special setting called "autopilot" that goes through 12 settings at random. when i say this thing replaces a guy, it does everything but smack ass and grab hair. i remember telling 'A' that it replaces a dude. he sounded offended and responded with, "no it does not". i said to myself, "after '99, it replaced you fully". but there was no need to take a jab at his ego. i kid you not, if it wasn't under warranty i'd make sure to budget to buy a new one.

i'm fully vax'd now. i'm thankful i didn't have any issues other than a sore arm for a couple of days for both shots. i'm really concerned about the delta variant. tiffany doesn't want to take the shot and i get it. there are no long-term studies on it and people are indeed having bad reactions to it as well as death. i get it. but the longer she's here the longer i have to continue to put my life on hold. i miss going to movies and seeing my friends. but since the vaccine doesn't stop you from getting it, i can't take the risk in giving it to her. however, she is willing to risk exposure to travel to jamaica to see her family and to do things while she's there in jamaica. why am i taking the brunt of the restriction? i miss my friends. i miss doing things. i've been in the house for over a year. if she can go to jamaica with no qualms then i'm not going to put my life on hold for her. i wanna hang out with my friend who's been vax'd. granted, i'll still take all my precautions as normal but it's time for me to start living again and not make it a priority to put others first when i'm not a priority. i know how close she is to her family. and to be honest, if i wasn't vax'd i wouldn't have allowed her to come back. i just don't feel comfortable with traveling in a pandemic. maybe i'm being to restrictive.

time to start job searching. ttyl.

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on this week of "i'm over it" and a dream. - Saturday, Jul. 17, 2021
some revelations - Friday, Jul. 09, 2021
two entries in two days - Sunday, Jun. 27, 2021
i'm fucking over it. - Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021
finally able to catch up and a dream. - Thursday, May. 13, 2021