some revelations

Friday, Jul. 09, 2021, 6:57 PM

i saw a lady yesterday that looked so feminine. she has a really pretty shape and she had on a summer dress. at that moment, i felt lacking. to be a woman and just not feel feminine was a bitter confrontation.

i've put on weight. not sure how much but my clothes feel tighter and i feel uncomfortable again. the weight gain i believe is caused by both anxiety and depression. i've been self-medicating by eating tons of jamaican snacks. i acknowledge that i'm only eating to feel better. i think it distracts me from things i'm not able to control. i can't control me getting into a class, i can't control my job and in which i'm finding it difficult to find a new one. i am literally living from paycheck to paycheck.

i did make myself workout today. whomever said it takes 21 days to make a new habit gave false hope. 21 days makes a routine but it doesn't make a lifestyle change. discipline does. and discipline is what i consistently lack. i went at least 6 months working out without missing a day. i miss a few days and the mental struggle to get back on track lasts months. it's a vicious cycle. i stop working out, i hate myself for gaining wait, i keep eating to feel better. i workout to get back on track and at the same time i hate working out. it's a mental battle that i never seem to win.

for the first time in years, i sat down to plug in numbers in a spreadsheet. i'm am quite literally living from paycheck to paycheck. i don't go shopping. i don't go to restaurants. i just get groceries and come back home. however, i do allow myself a massage once a month and get hair treatments twice a month as my hair is falling out. it's bad enough i don't feel feminine, the last thing i wanna feel is bald too. so at this juncture, it's necessary that i get a new job. i can't survive like this, especially with inflation going up due to the pandemic. i notice that food has gone up considerably. dandelion greens were $3 a bunch, just last week, they are over $4. they were my favorite but unless the price goes down, it's gonna stay in the produce section.

i saw something online this morning. a lady prayed. she asked God that she knows what happened in her past but she knows His word and His truth but why hasn't she gotten over it. she said He replied, "because you rehearse the past more than My truth". that changed me. i felt an instant change on how i feel about my family and 'A'. i've been rehearsing situations and conversations that never happened to make myself feel better. it only makes me more bitter. i need to meditate on God's word to make myself better.

i'm going to prayer group. if i get a word i'll share it here.

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on this week of "i'm over it" and a dream. - Saturday, Jul. 17, 2021
some revelations - Friday, Jul. 09, 2021
two entries in two days - Sunday, Jun. 27, 2021
i'm fucking over it. - Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021
finally able to catch up and a dream. - Thursday, May. 13, 2021