new job and me, myself and i

Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021, 4:47 PM

it's been a couple of weeks in the new position. i can truly say it feels like i walked out of hell into heaven. the entire atmosphere is the exact opposite of what i've been dealing with for the past 4.5 years. for the first time in a very long time i'm happy. it feels like depression has finally taken a back seat to happiness. i've started cleaning...albeit a little at time, i no longer feel overwhelmed by the stress and i feel i can do things that once made me procrastinate. i cleaned the kitchen before cooking. that hasn't happened in ages. i see myself on the road to recovery.

people have been contacting me about leaving the last customer service position. they will quit as many of them can't take the stress. they will leave before the end of the year, one way or another.

i will say this. it's quite the adjustment after working 4 days a week for the past 2.5 years to working 5 days a week. i am missing 3-day weekends like no other but this job is worth the sacrifice.

now that i have my schedule i can make all my appointments - teeth, boobs, uterus, and colon. fun times.

i've been thinking of 'A' recently. my heart is still in a state of ambivalence, however, i know i will not return to being the same person i was. i still cling to the hope that he might be thinking of me and will call. we're talking less and less each year. i felt a "severing" the last time we talked on my bday. he didn't notice...perhaps he did. i noticed, so i am fully aware that i will we have few phone calls ahead of us. a piece of my heart is sad for that.

i have to buckle down and study for the ATI TEAS. i took one portion of a sample test and i must say i did not do well. math was my strongest subject, however, i haven't done a complex math problem in over two decades. to say i'm rusty is an understatement.

i've been thinking about my "dad". hate has been brewing and i've been working reminding myself to forgive. i've been imagining myself spewing indifference to his life. on his death bed, he asks me to maintain a relationship with my brother. with all the vehemence and animosity i could muster i told him, "that this day is the last day that either one of them would see me. and it will be as if no one existed." then he dies knowing that this is his legacy. but as far as i see it, at this juncture, i wouldn't even bother seeing him on his death bed. he said i wasn't his, there is no need for me to bother.

i realize that this is not healthy. i'm praying that i release this sheer hate because it holds me back spiritually. i'm glad this is a journey and not a race. i've would've lost a long time ago.

i love the "college success" course that i'm taking. i'm learning a lot about my learning style and about me in general. i took a "Strengths" test and i learned some things about myself. the things that i have been trying to change about myself all these years are actually strengths. alas, with all the strengths there are some negatives (or basements as they are called) associated with them. my strengths are as follows:

harmony - negotiator, can see both sides, however, i'm weak, indecisive and non-confrontational.
restorative - problem solver, troubleshooter, however, i focus on the negative.
intellection -excellent thinking, enjoys musing, enjoys deep intellectual thought, however, a loner, slow to act or wastes time thinking too much, isolated, doesn’t work well with others.
deliberative - good judgement, identifies risk, however, standoffish, aloof, cautious, slow to act.
consistency - problem solver, just, policy maker, however, "by the book", inflexible, unable to compromise

i agree with most of what is said about my strengths except for not working well with others... i do...if i like them and being inflexible. i pride myself on going with the flow, and being spontaneous/adventurous. i'm sure this test isn't 100% but i'll definitely give it 95%.

i'm really glad that i took this test as i really had no clue what my strengths were. i took some guesses and i was way off with the exception of harmony. i knew i love peace and will defend it at any costs. now that i know, i can stop hating aspects of my traits and stopping the efforts to "fix" myself. i can work on things to improve but i am who i am.

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embark - Monday, Nov. 22, 2021
sadness...again... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2021
bad dream and hard feelings. - Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2021
new job and me, myself and i - Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021
new beginnings, a dream and screenings - Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021