so last night i had a horrible dream. in my dream, i was talking with shameika and i just happened to have mentioned toi. shameika said with a surprised look as if i was supposed to know, "toi died." my heart sank. all i could think about is her 16-yr old daughter not having a stable household. toi's sons have a drug addiction (to what i don't know) and they aren't stable at this time. just the thought of her daughter not having a stable household breaks my heart. i reached out to both shameika and toi because of that dream.

toi said she's having surgery on thursday. after being treated for breast cancer since april/may. she's scheduled to get a lumpectomy and it's a fairly serious surgery. so with the dream and the surgery scheduled for thursday and i'm nervous. i prayed. i hope i prayed the right prayer.

shameika mentioned a guy she has a crush on at her church. she sent a pic and he's absolutely gorgeous. her daughter said that he was looking for her at church and was eager to see her. i'm happy for her but it made me extremely sad. nobody is eager to see me. talk to me. at this moment i just feel so unwanted. it's time's like these that i'm really hard on myself. i started telling myself i'm unattractive and undesirable.