sadness...again...

Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2021, 11:06 PM

i'm feeling depressed. i've known for quite some time i'm work "functional" but as soon as i logout, i'm useless. i haven't logged into school since last thursday and i know i have assignments due this thursday. i feel so lifeless today. i think i need to go on a fast. i feel like i'm drifting. perhaps a fast will get me back on track. i've lost focus. really don't have the time to waste since i'm i have deadlines to meet. not only for this class, but also for the ATI TEAS.

it dawned on me, that as i struggled with my last position, that i never took the desired time off. i really want a break from work, even though i love my new job, i just don't feel like i'm in a good place mentally. like i hit a brick wall after running on the hamster wheel at full speed. i just can't afford the break since i'm learning new things.

i've been contemplating for a few days over tiffany's rent. her intended stay was for 3 months at the beginning of the year. things took a turn and she's still here. i've only been charging her $200. that only covers 2 bills. it's an extremely low price for any place in the US but now that things are going up i decided to increase the rent because of inflation. i told her that i want to increase the rent to $350 starting in feb. that will give her enough time to enjoy the holidays and budget for the increase. she said she's fine with it. i figure that i need to bring in extra income and this is how i will pay down bills. especially school and my credit card. don't get me wrong, i don't run up my credit card, i just buy a few odds and ends and unexpected expenses. outside of paying for tuition, my credit card doesn't go above $200. but because i don't make much money, i have to make installments.

i know life is a process. step by step. consistency wins the race. however, the slowness gets me down. i've been stuck in this house since last march when covid hits and i need to do something fun. get back to things i used to enjoy.

this sadness could also be exasperated by the holiday season and the lack of family, now the lack of friends. i normally hang out with friends for the holidays, but since covid, i don't hang out with anyone now. i'm lonely. people are preoccupied with goals, family, etc and i'm just existing. tiffany is going home to jamaica on saturday. it's a double-edged sword. i'm longing to have time to myself again but at the same time i'll be by myself for the holidays.

i pray for a reason to push forward but nothing seems to break. i have a microwave mentality in which i expect the sadness just to go away with one happy thought. it's sobering that i have to work towards mental health. it's late now. i'll take a shower in the morning. i stink but if i take a shower now i'll never get to bed. showers are my coffee. i could have delayed this entry in favor of a shower, but i needed to write an entry.

i talked to someone on the phone today. sounded a bit racist. he made a comment towards immigrants that if need to stop spending money on them. he's convinced that democrats were going to run the country into the ground. it's always best to not expose your opinion while dealing with customers as the conversation will go south...quickly. what was offputting is that he is latino and in new york. one of the biggest melting pots in the US but he has an issue with immigrants. the reason why i think he's racist because the only immigrants in the news are haitians and mexicans.

i'm gonna go wash my face and brush my teeth. i'm not going to stay up much longer.

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embark - Monday, Nov. 22, 2021
sadness...again... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2021
bad dream and hard feelings. - Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2021
new job and me, myself and i - Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021
new beginnings, a dream and screenings - Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021