i'm going to be 46 tomorrow and i'm not sure how i feel about it. 50 is around the corner. i thought i'd be in a different place in my life pertaining to being married and having kids. traveling tons more. more friends. more confident in myself. smaller. but i'm not dead. i just have to accept my role in the delay and forgive myself for my misteps and be thankful that i didn't ruin anyone else's life.

i will say this. this is year is going to be different than my previous years. i've made some decisions about my life that i think will benefit me. this year is about my growth. i'm going to be my main focus. i'm not letting the thought of anyone else. i'm putting all the energy that i put into other people into myself. not one single drop goes into someone else's cup. don't get me wrong. i have roughly 5-10 people that i talk to on a regular basis but i'm not going to reach out to others to make sure they are ok. i've been so desperate for people to talk to me (it's sad actually. knowing that if i didn't make that effort into others, they wouldn't make the effort to contact me. and i'm referring to those outside the 5-10 people.) that if i just direct that energy into my self-improvement i'd be further along than i am. good thing is, i'm not dead. old habits do die hard, but they do indeed die.

now i'm listening to audibles. autobiographies and self-help topics. currently, i'm on You're a Badass by Jen Sincero. it's good. although, i don't agree with the spiritual aspects of it, i'm gleaning what i need from it. it's helping. it focuses on being intentional with your thoughts. i've been flooded with "help" all week. whether it be from social media or words of wisdom that cross my path. they've all been profound and apropos.

1. when you let go, the healing begins immediately
2. the thoughts that you listen to shape your decisions, progress and outcome
3. meditate
4. don't let fear keep you comfortable in being small. trust God in bigger areas.
5. life goes on, with or without you.

these are just some of the things that have helped me in the last couple of months.

i've been learning spanish and i'm loving every minute of it. it's opened up a whole new world for me. rosetta stone isn't perfect but it's giving me a good foundation to build upon using other resources. an added bonus is that some of my coworkers and friends are latinx so i get to practice with them and ask for clarity on some things. i need to find some spanish movies that will train my ear for picking up the language. spanish is spoken so quickly and i speak it so slowly. my favorite phrase is NO ME TOQUES! which means "don't touch me". i say that when i get overwhelmed and need to laugh to relieve the pressure. everyone else laughs with me just due to my theatrics.

i'm feeling kind of sad but i really can't place my finger on what. i think it's because for the past 3 or 4 days i haven't been focused on my growth. i haven't been studying and i've been wasting time couch surfing watching movies. i haven't spent any time mentally growing outside of a few sessions in my most recent audible. speaking of which, i just found out my library has audibles i can rent and i can save money from having to buy them.

last week was the slap at the oscars. it was triggering for all 3 parties involved. i'm triggered by it. i'm actually amazed at how my friends are reacting to it. you just don't really know people.

during this time of "solitude" (tiffany is here so i can't be by myself fully), i really haven't been thinking much about "A". the more i truly focus on me, my disinterest is growing leaps and bounds and i'm so thankful for that. deadass. i'm not making any efforts whatsoever in contacting this dude. i think i made an attempt in january to contact him. i felt stupid for making the effort. no more. done. i'm tired of feeling stupid when it comes to him.

i'm gonna do some things that interest me. i'm going to try out a few vegan recipes this week. i have time to be adventurous. but i have to buckle down because i have 10 days before my assignments are due and i have to take tests.

i found out that my friend, tosha, was in a really bad car wreck. car totaled and she's in physical therapy everyday. i'm just now finding out. :( i asked if she needed anything and she said no.

i'm still worried about my dad. spiritually speaking. how will i find out when he's gone?