i truly wonder what God has for me.

i'm 46 and i haven't accomplished much. i fight the feelings of guilt for wasting time. i fight feelings of inadequacy. i fight loneliness. i feel mediocre. but i fight it.

my life isn't over, however, it feels so stagnant. i feel like i am existing but not truly living. i have to keep reminding myself that there is more for me than against and the best is yet to come.

my birthday was uneventful and kinda sad. i went for a 2 mile hike and then got sushi. i rode the couch for the rest of the evening. tiffany gave me some thoughtful gifts and i appreciate each one. a necklace with a cross with an inscription "i can do all things through christ that strengthens me". i love it. i'm opening my heart and my arms for gifts that i normally wouldn't pick out for myself. people are loving on me which normally doesn't happen. so i'm rocking my gifts. :)

oh get this. i'm still vetting doctors to remove or manage my fibroids. i go to a new doctor that i had been wanting to see. and of course, with being a new patient i would have to wait longer to get an appointment. i finally get in to see her, i arrive 15 min early in case they needed any additional info. after a reasonable wait time, i go to the back, get my vitals taken (more about that later), answer any additional questions and was told to undress from the waist down and the doctor will be in shortly. after AN HOUR rolls by with no update and no contact from anybody, i decide to get dressed. i'm beyond upset. sometimes things are delayed...babies happen. sometimes there is an emergency delivery or issue that arises that needs the doctor's immediate attention. totally understandable, but usually someone notifies you and keeps you updated. nothing. not a single syllable. not a face popped in to check in on me for one full hour. i go to the front desk, and by this time the waiting room is packed full of people. the admin asks if i need to make another appointment, i tell her i didn't get my first appointment. i said i've been waiting back there for one hour, undressed and no one came to see me. the admin apologized and said that she would have a manager call me. i also stated that i should not be receiving a bill for today's visit. she said she would make sure that i wouldn't be billed. and an update and no surprise, no one call called me regarding the issue about me being naked from the waist down for a full hour and the doctor didn't see me. i would leave a review but i'll leave it alone unless i get a bill. if i get a bill, i'm leaving a detailed and scathing review.

i go see another doctor at the end of the month. that office is better organized. i know i won't have an issue being seen but experience has taught me i need to advocate for myself.