i forgot to add a couple of things in the previous entry.

i haven't thought about 'A' in days and have had no desire to talk to him. just the mere thought of us together is met with repulsion. i'm no where near the person i was when i wanted him. the thoughts of me wanting him are so strange now. not even remotely familiar. look at me moving on!

i had to pinpoint how i really view and value myself. with me now being officially diagnosed as perimenopausal, i have to accept me in this stage which has been extremely difficult. i've been fertile for 36 years. during this time, i've always viewed adult women post-menopause as not having physical attractiveness, and societal value. victims of ageism and old out of shape women desperate for attention or invisible and a burden on society. now i'm at the other side of the door of that viewpoint.

society would dictate, that i'm 46, peri-menopausal, overweight, no kids, no husband, no prospects and a customer care agent that i have no value. something is wrong with me that is why life has passed by me. i was wrong and so is society. one day, i will look back at my life with extreme regret that i looked at myself so negatively and not participate in life unless i take control now. i have to be dedicated and committed.

i can do it. i will do it.