Merry Christmas, my Diaryland friends!

I apologize for being away for so long. i've attempted to write a few times but they fizzled.

so much has happened over the past few months. i'll try to fill in what i can. i've lost 16 pounds. i'm proud of myself for doing that, although, the task isn't done.

a friend died earlier this month from cancer. i saw it coming but i couldn't do anything to stop it nor could i adequately prepare myself. i found out about 10 min before work and my heart immediately sank. and just like that she is gone. i'll never hear her voice again. for a time i blamed myself. once i saw she wasn't taking care of her health, i didn't inquire about her getting mammograms. that cancer spread all over her body. she has a 16-yr old daughter. i can't write more about this because i'm going to continue to blame myself and start crying.

shameika said she would call me and check on me. she never did. i think our time has come to an end for a second time. if i don't make an effort to communicate, then no communication happens. the writing is on the wall. i think i'm going to delete the number.

i started the interview process for a new position in the company. it will pull me off the phones completely. no more customer-facing calls. my God i need this. the calls are getting heavier and more aggressive. i don't know how much longer i can handle this current job. i will miss my current co-workers but i can't continue to suffer to be with them.

this is my last week on vacation. it's hard to believe i've had a long vacation and i didn't accomplish much if anything at all. a good portion was wasted on fretting over the first interview. i feel at ease to finish the last 2 on tuesday.

i've been wrestling with forgiveness for so long now that i'm mentally and spiritually exhausted. i just can't take it anymore. i want to be free. i sent my dad a letter. i let him know that i know the truth about him professing that he's not my biological father. i told him that i was fully prepared to hold it against him til my dying day but i deserve to be free. so i forgive him. i also apologized for the things that i did that i knew would hurt him. i sent it in a christmas card and i really haven't thought about him since. i made sure to not include my street address. i just don't want to be bothered with any lies or excuses. i want to carry on with my life.

i sent my brother a christmas card. now that i think about it, i should have written him a letter too. i can send him one as well. he's a bigger liar than my father and i really wonder why bother? but i need to let go of the hurt and anger.

i've been thinking about 'A' recently. i've been fighting the urge to contact him. i still have access to phone records with his number. but i know i will feel like a fool if i made contact all to find out that he couldn't be bothered to contact me. i haven't talked to him in over a year. so far i'm fighting the good fight. i want to move on. i want to focus on God and my career. i want a new love and i know i won't find it here. i have to focus on me so i can move. move to a new place out of state. there are so many things that i want in life...so late in life. i know that it doesn't matter what age you start over in life as long as you want it. it's just that i feel that i truly haven't lived yet. that i exist and haven't thrived after all this time. i think that truly makes me sad. not a meaningful core of friends or love interests or family that want me really want me in their life. 98% have families of their own and i'm just an afterthought for the most part. i do have a few select people that genuinely care about me and they are appreciated. i just thought i'd have a full life and a fulfilling life.

but anyhoo, 'A' will never be a part of the person i'm becoming. and i'm ok with that. i've been imagining what my husband will be like. will he be ok with my piercings? will he be vegan or will he transition to veganism? what will our love story look like? how much we'll travel? how we will we fall in love and what we will mean to each other? if we'll read each other poetry? what his love language will be? will he like to cook...even clean? lol. will he think i'm beautiful? what parts of my personality will he indulge and what parts will aggravate him to no end?

i'm reading "from scratch" currently after watching the series on netflix. i must say that the book is equally as heart-wrenching as the series. it's sad to read about a love story ending so tragically. that type of love needs to last decades. but it's not in the cards for everybody. i hope that it's in the cards for me.

good news!!! in 6 more days i will have practiced veganism for one full year. i'm proud of myself. i've never gone this long. i'm excited for year number 2 as i want to implement one or two more challenges to focus on being a healthier individual.

i pray everyone had a great Christmas and are doing well.