chapter 47

Saturday, Apr. 08, 2023, 4:00 PM

my birthday has come and gone. and i can't say it went off without a hitch.

i was hoping for a more memorable birthday but it was underwhelming and ultimately heartbreaking. regardless, i'm happy to be alive.

the day started off with bad news. as soon as i stripped down to get on the massage table, i got a text from tawanna saying that she was RA'd from ibm. she was just shy of 20 years with the company by a couple of months. later when i got home, damian reached out saying the same thing. i remember the feeling when i got RA'd 10 years ago. it doesn't feel good. i did my best to encourage both them. they both should have the opportunity to go to other departments within the timeframe allotted although they risk having to move depending where that department is based out of in lieu of having an exception. tawanna has the support of her family. her husband told her to take a break and she's taking it. not sure when she will go back to work. damian has the support of his wife. he's nervous, and rightly so, but i put things in perspective saying that God is his source not ibm. he had resigned himself to that fact years ago but now it's when the rubber meets the road.

the next day, i found out that my old coworker, jim, died on my birthday. my heart instantly broke. he was the guy that approved me to get hired on to informix. he took me under his wing and got me functioning in that new role. he always protected me. i think what makes it even harder is that i was thinking of him sunday or monday. i was thinking that i should contact him but i would need to dig through a mountain of boxed books to find his number. now i feel like a failed again. thinking of someone and they die shortly afterwards. i think maybe i should have at least prayed for him. it's not that often i think of jim. i can't say when the last time i did think of him. now he's gone. i held myself up in my bedroom for 2 days not talking to anyone outside of coworkers and customers. not to mention that i've eaten 3 pizzas to self-medicate. i'm still feeling the bloat from them now. i don't know what type addicting additives they put in it but i'm forcing myself not to go back. i didn't even see tiffany during this time. i told keith on thursday and he ended up taking the rest of the day off. we had a hard time. don't know the details of jim's passing yet. i just know he was a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. i don't have all the details now but his funeral may be in lansing next saturday.

i'm still struggling with getting the house in order and finding a place to move. a friend in phoenix recommended moving to a city right outside of tucson called marana. tiffany isn't trying to half on a rental house so i'm looking into apartments but the last thing i want to deal with are immediate neighbors and pests. i'm really tired of adulting. i need someone to do it for me.

'A' sent me belated bday wishes a couple days after my bday. i told him thank you and to tell his mother hbday in a few days as her birthday is on the 8th. he said he will then i deleted his number. the person that i desire to be no longer wants to be the person i used to be. that includes making efforts towards my past. even though i still think of him daily, i don't let the thoughts and memories linger. a slow process but it's working.

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back to index

what would happen if i stopped existing - Saturday, Jun. 10, 2023
it's me. i'm the problem. it's me. - Wednesday, May. 31, 2023
a bit of introspection - Friday, May. 26, 2023
backseat passenger in my own life. - Thursday, Apr. 27, 2023
defeated - Saturday, Apr. 22, 2023