it's been a bit of a rough week for me mentally. the combination of life stress with this impending move and diet have caused me to fold and give up.

i've decided to leave everything in God's hands. my thought is i'm not going to be able to move in june like i thought but it's still in God's hands.

i had to reach out to some cousins that i haven't talked to since my mother's funeral to see if they would take grandma's furniture. they have no room for it and won't take it. i told them i didn't want to sell it but that didn't make a difference. i was devastated to the brink of tears. i shut down for a few days with the thought of selling it. the furniture is tied to so many memories i have of her and the foundation of family. now i have to sell it to get one step closer to my new life. i'm trying to make myself feel better by saying that this is grandma's inheritance for me move into my future. it's not going to stop it from hurting. i prepared myself for giving it back for a couple of years now. i never prepared myself for the idea of selling it. i'm fighting tears now but i know i have to do it. this is definitely going to delay the move. i have to get an appraiser and find someone to buy everything then pay freaking taxes on it. last i heard, the dining room suit was worth about 30-40k. the chairs were destroyed by a baby cousin so i know the value will be reduced. my concern is that i may be lowballed on the price due to the economy.

work has become somewhat of an annoyance. everybody is trying to leave in some form or fashion. i'm honestly bored and need to do something else and i want more money. evan has started the process in looking elsewhere. i know i want to leave but i haven't bothered looking with this impending move on the horizon. people have started jumping ship. people are dropping off left and right every so often. hopefully, i'm able to move before the end of the year.

i've been longing to spend time with God but have been refusing to do so at every turn. tonight that ends. i really miss his presence. i desire to be a different person. i desire change. the person who i am now is not the person i want to be. i want to be a person that's disciplined, confident, consistent, formidable, committed. i feel i'm the opposite of all these attributes. God will change me, i just have to do my part.

tiffany pissed me off. i wanted to yell, but God reasoned with me and i relented it. there was no point in going off the rails. i found a place in tucson that i felt would be a good fit for the both of us. after months of searching, right when i said let's do the application, she said, "i don't think i can go...". what in the entire hell??!! we had just done a virtual tour the day prior and today you don't know if you can go. not only have i wasted months on searching for a place for us to live, but i also wasted a trip out to arizona looking for a place for two people when i should have been looking for a place for one. but i digress. it's ok. God told me she was never going to go. i had a nagging suspicion for the past few months that was the case but she kept acting like she was going to go. now that she has her citizenship she's ready to go back home. i'm sort of ready for her to go. it's been 3 years. it's been nice having her here, but i miss my alone time.

at some point she felt bad. she attempted to help me look for places that i might be able to afford and wanted to make sure i get settled by going out to arizona with me when i move to help me get settled. i was perturbed by the offer actually. why is it you wanna make sure i'm settled? guilt? i don't want her help especially after this abrupt change of plans. it almost sounded like she wanted me to pay for gas the entire way and hotel all by myself. i said no, that's going to be a lot of money for you to pay half for gas and hotel then to fly out of arizona back to jamaica. i can't let you spend that much to help me out. that ended the conversation quickly and she hasn't brought it up since. i guess she doesn't want to make sure i'm settled after all. she'll be out of here by the end of may. she'll definitely help me get the painting that i need done in the house before she leaves and that will be the end of it. it's one thing for me to drive down to arizona on my own but then to have to drive two people down there and they not pitch in for the expense it's going to cost to drove them down there. no thank you. can you tell i'm a bit resentful? i'm trying not to be but it made me realize that there is a lacking on my part. finding weak areas in my life is always unsettling. i charged her for the super low price to live here because she's my friend. i didn't want to make her pay through the nose. now i regret it. i put her before me. i didn't look out for myself first. for her to live here on her own, she'd pay at least $1100. the first year, i charged her $200 a month, then increased it to $350 for the second and third year. if i put myself first, i should have charged her at the very least $500 - $600. the money i could have saved and the things i could've gotten done. she's been looking out for herself the entire time. and nothing is wrong with that. the problem is i'm not doing it for myself. for instance, when she discussed renting a house in arizona, she only wanted to keep the same setup by paying a third of the rent. for one of the 3 bedrooms. she wanted to keep things exactly the same as they are now, paying no more than $600. putting her first again, i said that was fair and immediately stopped looking for a house and started searching for a 2-bedroom apartment. again, you can't rent any place in the US for $600 and it be a decent place. house nor apartment. houses are comparable to apartments in rent so why not rent the house? and reflecting on it, the situation isn't the same. i'm charging you to rent a room in my house because it's my house. there is no way she can stay in the US anywhere not paying anything higher for what she has here. her rent basically covers 2, maybe 3 bills. out in arizona, we're both renting. we're on equal ground. i was really going to let that slide where i'm putting her first. why am i doing that?! do i not really value myself? why do i always give myself the backseat and let people take me where they wanna take me? i'm getting too old for this shyt.

i've been getting my house updated. new flooring. updating the kitchen. i have to rent out my home for the most i can. for the area, i can get around $2200 so i have to make sure my house has enough updates to compete with some of the newer homes. with property the property increasing $60,000 in less than a year, i need to make sure i can cover the higher taxes.

i'm over this economy. i don't understand how there is a housing crisis. over a million people have died due to covid, homelessness is at a high and all of a sudden there aren't enough homes/apartments to buy/rent so the rent is sky high. BS. i'm having so much trouble finding some place to live. i really don't know what to do.