some things i didn't mention from my previous entry.

i got my nipple barbells switched out for some pretty pink gem barbells. freaking gorgeous. i took a pg-13 pic of one...no nipple...just the gem and a portion of the barbell. i like the barbells a little on the long side. one for wiggle room and i just think it looks a bit sexier with a portion of the barbell showing. when the ends are flush with the nipple it looks a bit odd. i sent the pic to 3 people and showed it to another. mark was elated and liked it. the others think it's cute as well.

i also decided to get 2 helix piercings in the same visit. i must say, getting pierced by a needle is far less painful than getting pierced by a piercing gun. i should heal a lot quicker. i'm planning for one more piercing on the left ear then i'll be done. at least i think i'll be done.

'A' text me a couple of days ago. he asked if i wanted to talk while he drove home. told him i had to run an errand and couldn't talk at that moment. i let me him know that i got my barbells switched out for the pink ones then he replied, "i wanna see!". so i sent him a pic of the barbell while it was still in the package. his reaction was hilarious, "you know full well that is not how i wanted to see them!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! i refuse to show him. granted, he's seen my boobs in the past and the pic is pg-13, but it's different now. i just don't wanna give him that. honestly, i'd rather know he wants something from me than for me to give it to him. feels good actually. i'm stronger now. i can tell him no and let that be that. because i've said yes to him so much in the past when he hears no he sorta throws a tantrum. it's disturbing and satisfying at the same.

i told him about the old guy i coined "bad grandpa" for kissing me on my neck at work. he interrupted me to find out what other piercings i got. it took me forever to put 2 and 2 together but i realized that he never wanted all of me - the good, the bad, and the ugly. he just wants the choice parts. the salacious parts and the parts that cater to him. talking to him now makes me glad that i can now enforce a standard of what i want, what i need and how i need and want to be treated.

i still miss the '99 'A'. i think that is a memory i am allowed to keep for myself and reminisce from time to time when i was the most open in a relationship. it's sad that i haven't experienced anything comparable nor better in about 20 years. he did say roughly the same thing about me in a previous conversation last year, however, i really can't take him at his word for various reasons. but that's neither here nor there. i'd like to think that it's extremely important to be selective in what you want in a partner and how they treat you. what i've gleaned from relationships, if you aren't best friends that genuinely care for the other one the relationship will not work. that's all of my relationships in a nutshell.

my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. i'm taking a week off of work to celebrate my birth. i will be celebrating with a staycation as i am on the financial struggle bus. i'm preparing mentally now for what i want to do during this glorious time off work. i'm actually prepping my mind now to go vegan. i'm going to do it this time now that i have a better understanding of what i did wrong the first time. i am going to spring clean my house. my house is a freaking wreck. workout, hike and spend time with friends. nothing glamourous but i want to be a better me and look like a better me. i may treat myself to a nice bday dinner at cafe gratitude, a vegan restaurant. most importantly, i want to spend time with God. i want to spend time in communion with Him. i want to grow in His presence.

i'm back at the gym. incorporating more weights than cardio this time. i need to up my cardio just for cardiovascular health and endurance but i need the weights for toning. i see my skin itself looks older just due to the lack of muscle tone. i'm doing weights about 3 times a week now. i'm enjoying it. my muscles like it too. i just have to be consistent. that's my goal for 42. :)