i need sleep

Wednesday, Jun. 14, 2017, 3:42 AM

it's damn near 4am and i can't sleep. i've been struggling for hours now. i think i'm having a panic attack. i realized i got phished not too long ago and it just now dawned on me. i gave out the last 4 digits of my social as well as my birth month and date. it was an email scam for potential employment. the email represented itself as a recruiter. how am i this stupid??!! thankfully, i have credit lock so no new accounts can be opened in my name.

initially, i felt suspicious because when the guy called he had an indian accent but there are a lot of indians working in the US so i disregarded my gut feeling. i checked out his website as well as googled some of the wording in the email to verify it was legit. everything seemed to have checked out so i obliged in the email. it's not until a couple of months later that i realized that i fell for a scam. my gut was right and i ignore it every time. i was desperate for a job after leaving my last position so i justified it. i know you don't give out personal info until you get offered a job and here i am giving out my info like candy.

i'm so vulnerable right now. mistakes like these chip away at my self-worth. i beat myself up a bit when i fall for the okie doke. i've taken quite a few beatings over the course of my life.

i need a hug. i can't wait for that gravity blanket to be shipped. a 20-lb blanket to calm my anxiety. i can't freaking wait. it's hard being bombarded with thoughts of not having family, a husband, kids, and a strong social circle. if it wasn't for this journal being a cathartic outlet i'd feel truly alone. praying is helping some. hopefully, this blanket will take care of the physical aspect as well.

i've noticed that when my anxiety is high that i want to talk to 'A'. what i do instead is either call someone else or distract myself with some form of social media. i honestly have no idea why i want to call him since he's never provided any source of comfort when it comes to any anxieties that i have exhibited in the past.

it's been about a year since i've delved deep into my bible. i pray shallow, hopeless prayers that i know God doesn't hear. i find myself prioritizing everything else over cracking open my bible and reading. i don't run to church with fervor like i once had. it's like i'm already dead and i'm waiting for my body to catch up. year after year, it's the same thing. one year closer to death and no growth.

could be this is just a bad day. i didn't workout, i'm not sleeping well, and i have no vision passed the current day.

i just got off my period and i know my hormones are nutty on top of beating myself up. i just need some sleep. hopefully, i can get up in time to go to work.

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i need sleep - Wednesday, Jun. 14, 2017
the latest happenings - Sunday, Jun. 11, 2017
My pride - Sunday, May. 28, 2017
test results - Saturday, May. 27, 2017
2 spoons full of sugar is apparently bad - Wednesday, May. 17, 2017