a bit of introspection

Friday, May. 26, 2023, 8:21 PM

i had a moment of introspection today.

my coworkers, some that have less time under their belt than i with this division, have built up their skills to venture out to higher roles. i've been telling myself that i don't want these positions so there is no point in applying. after today's revelations, when i look a little deeper, i have found that i have no ambition. none. i can only remember the desire and goal to move away from my parents. after i achieved that, i have no interest for anything else. nothing. i sit in my house trying to escape my thoughts, longing for certain elements of my past all awhile, wasting my present and future.

this past sunday, my neighbor caught me outside as i was doing yardwork. she talked my ear off for about 45 min, btw. i have to focus on doing yardwork in the morning as i won't see her a minute before noon. anyhoo, she was yapping it up and out of nowhere she said, "i really wish you would have met someone. i think you would have made a wonderful mother." she said because i speak in such a direct manner. i don't see how that makes one a good mother but it doesn't matter now as i'm in perimenopause. but the more i think about her statement, i'm lightweight upset about it. i'm not sure how to articulate how i feel about her words. i just know they remind me of a time that i wanted someone so badly so that i inadvertently squandered my fertile years on a figment of my imagination instead of focusing on what i could really have. it's not too late but i would have loved to be married in my 30s in a fancy dress not having had worried about wrinkles and alopecia. alas, here we are.

speaking of perimenopause and all things reproductive, i go see the dr about the fibroids on wednesday. i really hope i'm a candidate, because i was bleeding profusely this last cycle that was a week early. oh, i had a brief convo with my aunt. i was going over my symptoms with her. brain fog, inconsistent period but thankfully no hot flashes. i told her i didn't recall mama having any hot flashes. she informed me that she did. it amazes how much my mother and i didn't speak. i tried to avoid her space at all costs. to think she got hot flashes and i never noticed. even though i lived with her, i don't think i really truly saw her other than a person that wanted me to suffer. her epicaricacy always seemed to reach a new low targeting my self-esteem causing me to run away from her.

there are some pet projects that i want to do. learn spanish and challenge my writing skills. we'll see if i get around to it. a lack of ambition and all.

and a weird thing happened this evening. i noticed tiffany on the front porch which isn't normal. like me, tiffany doesn't go outside unless it's for the mail. she had been out there for an hour or so. i decided to check on her to make sure she's ok. she said she was fine and wanted to get some fresh air while she was talking to her husband. she had ipad propped up on the railing. i let her know that the shows that we are watching are available. a normal response would be her gathering her things and sitting in front of the tv. she stayed out there for an additional 45 min. i decided not to wait so i started the first episode telling myself she can watch the episode without her. the episode was about 5 min before she came. her behavior was suspicious. i really think she was discussing upcoming changes and didn't want me to hear.

ok, i'm dozing off on the couch. i really have to get some sleep. i'll try to finish up tomorrow.
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a bit of introspection - Friday, May. 26, 2023
backseat passenger in my own life. - Thursday, Apr. 27, 2023
defeated - Saturday, Apr. 22, 2023
chapter 47 - Saturday, Apr. 08, 2023
pregaming - Saturday, Apr. 01, 2023