day 1

Sunday, Jun. 17, 2018, 11:19 PM

first day of my fast was off to a rocky start. i'm still having trouble focusing on prayer actually, i'm having trouble focusing on God, period. i've let too many things distract me in the past few months and i'm having trouble getting it back together. my empathy/sympathy emotions are wearing thin. i just don't care about anything or people's situations.

i need to lay off the news. watching the kids separated from their parents at the border is sobering. i told myself that i wasn't going get pulled in by the news. the more i've listened the more cynical i've become. i'm just tired of people and all the problems that come with them.

i haven't fasted since january and my commitment level needs something to be desired. it's supposed to be a strictly vegan fast and i already had an egg/cheese croissant. i tried to fight it but i gave in fairly quickly.

i've noticed that i'm trying to develop vices. the vaping, the extra alcohol, overindulging in bdsm fantasies with 'A', excess social media, etc...it's like i'm trying to drown out the silence, and blind what's staring me in the face. none of these things satisfy and i'm still looking for fulfillment. my prayer for tonight is this, "God fulfill me. Satisfy me. Cause me to crave on your word."

i want to go back to jamaica. a random statement but i'm all over the place these days. i'm about to pass out. have a good night.

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day 1 - Sunday, Jun. 17, 2018
hypnosis - Friday, Jun. 15, 2018
a fellatio-focused dream - Thursday, Jun. 14, 2018
another suicide - Friday, Jun. 08, 2018
suicide claims another person - Wednesday, Jun. 06, 2018