a dream and addictions

Monday, Aug. 06, 2018, 9:24 PM

i had a dream the other night and i need to enter it here because i feel it pertains to my spiritual walk.

i drove into my driveway and pressed the button for my to open my garage door. looking inside there were various objects blocking my path. i remember a white desk, shaped similarly like my grade school teachers' desks. i walk in to move it out the way. i notice another object blocking the door. i move it and open the door to my kitchen. i notice that my kitchen is spotless. radiant and sparkling. it's more so a picture of kitchen and i move it like a curtain. i walk in further and my kitchen is it's usual mess. the back door has been broken into as it's open the door jamb has been damaged. i panic a bit to see if anything is missing. nothing is missing. i just feel violated that someone has entered my home.

i feel this dream has to deal with obstacles, unaccomplished goals and perceptions (perhaps an illusion). i still need to inquire for revelation.

i think i'm suffering from the same condition i am now identifying as anxiety my mother suffered from. i'm self-medicating with food. she was always eating. if not eating, making an effort to get food. if not making an effort to get food then to talking/thinking about it. it's become an obsession now. i need to make some serious changes to overcome it. find something else to focus on. a hobby. apply discipline.something's gotta give.

i'm lonely too. i'm still thinking about 'A'. i haven't chatted with him since april and i have no intention of contacting him any time soon. actually quite the opposite. since i've changed all my numbers i have the opportunity to delete his number and not look back. he has no way of contacting me from this point on. me deleting his number wouldn't stop me from thinking about him. i've thought about him for the past 8 years so i see no point in deleting his number.

to be honest, i really don't see why i keep him around. when i have fond thoughts of him it's focused on memories created in '99. nothing else. everything else since then pales in comparison. i don't consider him a friend as i don't confide in him. and the few times i've attempted to open myself up i see him as being very dismissive of my point or feelings. i feel like i'm an open trash can for him to vent but he doesn't provide any reciprocity. with all that said, i don't want to delete his number although i know it would be in my best interest. i could move on physically but i haven't been able to move on mentally. if i can't move on mentally, is moving on physically even a thing?

addictions:2 coco:0

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a dream and addictions - Monday, Aug. 06, 2018
gone - Saturday, Aug. 04, 2018
this is therapy - Thursday, Jun. 21, 2018
discipline and another dream - Thursday, Jun. 21, 2018
dreams and cycles - Tuesday, Jun. 19, 2018