Walk by faith and not by sight

Saturday, Jan. 28, 2023, 9:04 PM

I spent the day looking at houses, schools, hospitals and vegan restaurants. My final consensus is same as the first impression. This place is far worse than where I've lived for the past 20 years.

I've been telling God that I don't like this place the entire day. I'm making it a point to tell him first. How I feel is of no surprise to him but I'm making it a point to run to him first.

I feel sadness that I have to uproot my life to come to a place that I don't even want live. At least my current residence, I have access to a hair care stylist, a new dermatologist, my favorite restaurants and friends that I can see every so often. There are other perks as well. I have to leave that to come to a desert that cannot compete. I don't get it. This place isn't diverse at all. I'm seriously concerned that if I move into a house here that there will be racial tensions. I'm not kidding whatsoever.

I'm really upset about this. This is how you define obedience. It's not obedience when you do something you truly want to do. The rubber meets the road if you will obey when it's something you don't want to do.

So here's what's on my plate. Anger and sadness that this is the place that I have to come live. I can honestly say after being here, this is a place that I would never choose to live. On the other side of my plate I'm dealing with guilt and ungratefulness/entitled.
Guilt because I shouldn't be acting like this. God is going to do something so amazing in my life and I can't see it. Ungrateful/entitled because I'm throwing a tantrum as though I deserve more. And now I have to move mountains to live here in 5 months time. And then somehow slap a smile on my face as though I'm ok with it. And I feel bad for even thinking like this. God has done so much more for me than I can even express and I feel this way. I'm trying not to cry because I'm so disappointed in myself. I really can't deal with myself right now. I'm going to bed early. This hotel bed, at least, I really like.

Hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll view this place differently. I hope that I can walk by faith and not by sight in a better mood.

� previous entry next entry �

back to index

Walk by faith and not by sight - Saturday, Jan. 28, 2023
Tucson: first impressions - Saturday, Jan. 28, 2023
my life is about to change. i'm scared but i'm going to do it scared. - Sunday, Jan. 22, 2023
a sobering dose of reality - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2023
Happy New Year 2023!!! - Sunday, Jan. 01, 2023