i think i should write more often while i'm doing this detox. just to keep me busy from distracting myself by investing in vain activities or investing in worthless conversations with 'A' or mark.

i had an epiphany today while i was getting ready for work. in regards to relationships, i want something deeper. i want someone that actually wants to know me. someone that i can communicate with instead of just talk. someone that is inquisitive about my idiosyncrasies and that can tell when something is bothering me. neither 'A' nor mark meet those requirements. it's always been like that. if i don't call, there is no conversation. not that i expect anything from 'A'. if anything, i have to keep reminding myself that he's not the one for me for countless reasons. mark, he's just a college crush that didn't go anywhere. granted, if i had the opportunity to kiss him i still would.

after this epiphany, i decided to stop focusing my thoughts on a guy and started directing my thoughts on my future. i kept myself in prayer and i wrote down on 3"x5" notecards on what i wanted to see happen. i wrote down goals on one and the type of relationship that i want to have with God on the other.

i need a change. i see myself having to claw and fight my way to my goal. reaching my goal won't happen without it. in retrospect, i know that's why i'm not more successful at life...my lack of commitment. i pray that God keeps me going. i'm glad i didn't get married because i would have been divorced shortly afterwards.