i'm definitely in my own head in the worst way. i need to relax and focus with confidence.

my time with drogo has been uneventful as of late. i'm not thoroughly enjoying our time together as i once did. i'm not having the mind-blowing climaxes as i did in the beginning. instead, it just feels good for what it is. ultimately, it's not worth the effort to pull him out the box. i can only speculate that i am truly desiring something deeper that drogo can't provide. i want intimacy, communication, and trust. hell, i want a body, a deep voice and big hands. drogo can't compete. i think i'll just keep him in my bathroom drawer until further notice.

speaking of communication, mark sent me a text last week. actually, he responded to a text i sent weeks prior about a wedding he attended. he blamed it on his iOs update. with as many problems he has had with apple i do believe him. i said i'd call him when i got home. when i arrived home i sent a text to see if he was busy. he said he was talking to his sister-in-law who was in the process of setting him up on a blind date. i told him that if the new prospect doesn't work out then i got next. he said that made him feel good after the most recent occurrences in his life. i didn't bother to ask. quite frankly, more than half of the bad things that happen are due to his own influence. maybe that's a steep estimation but i don't think i'm that far off from being accurate. and there is the fact i truly didn't care. i can't give my time and effort to someone that can't...no...won't do the same for me. the last time he called to see how i was doing was years ago. i'm not exaggerating.

'A' mentioned that my tolerance for people is short as i cut them off and out of my life fairly quickly. what i didn't tell him is that i never regret cutting someone out of my life. it's only for my benefit. i guess i think of these things after our conversations. i find it interesting when people tell me what they think of me as it is a rare occurrence. that little tidbit is a general and accurate consensus, lol. since i don't stomach compliments from 'A' this actually rings true.

some unfortunate news. i won't be getting an incentive check the month for november because i got zeroes on 2 calls for quality. with 2 zeroes you are automatically ineligible for an extra check. these are my first zero calls and they are back to back in the same month. now i don't feel like putting in any effort for the rest of the month. the first zero i got for something not told in training and should have been. i'm not sure how i got the second zero but i need to appeal it if i can. i need every bit of money that comes from that meager salary. i just now remembered something. they didn't increase my salary from my promotion. i have to talk to my supervisor about that first thing tomorrow.

i hope i can find something else soon. i'm finding it ever so difficult to go into that place on a daily basis. everyday i want to quit after speaking to childish account holders. i had one give me a bad survey because she got a late fee that i eventually removed. instead of getting a late fee she would have liked for someone to call her to ask her why she didn't pay her bill by the due date. i guess it would be frowned upon to let her know it's a credit card company and not daycare that wipes your booboos when you get an owie. it's always the childish account holder that can't handle the truth nor the responsibility of having a credit card that always cost me in some form or fashion in the end. i hate this job.

i didn't even think to request to have black friday nor the following saturday off work. now that it's just days away i'm already dreading their approach. back to back calls for 8 hours straight from store associates trying to accommodate credit card holders that can't make purchases in-store.

with it being last quarter, there are no job fairs with any feasible positions outside of retail and sales. i'm so screwed. even my visage has changed. i now look stuck in a dead-end job. i don't talk nearly as much. people have commented on how "bubbly" i used to be. those days are gone.

i ran into a previous manager, jay, i had at ibm this evening at walmart. he noticed me first and for the life of me i couldn't remember his name until i got home. we caught up in the gravy aisle. i was embarrassed to let him know that i'm doing customer care. it's a far cry from an IT salary. as he filled me in on happenings of big blue, it's just a matter of time before that office closes down due to the new direction the company is taking. david, the guy that mounted my tv over the fireplace, was told he had to look for a new gig. i'm not sure where he's going to go but i need him to come back out here before he leaves so that he can fix the extra holes he put in my wall. perhaps i can fix them myself.

i'm having the hardest time getting repairs done to my home. every effort has been thwarted by the individuals that answer the phone. with my work schedule i can't really use the phone. it's difficult to get things done. by the time i get a day off, i've forgotten all about the things that need to be done. i'm worthless. i need to stop being self-deprecating. i'm not worthless. i need to be more diligent in getting repairs done.