So a lot has happened in the last 22 days since my last update. i'll try to hit up all the main points.

i had a revelation recently. i'm constantly at odds with what feels good/convenient or doing more to be satisfied. i lean more to instant gratification but not towards true satisfaction. i gave drogo some serious thought. drogo feels good (no longer great) but doesn't satisfy. i feel empty. i realize i need intimacy. quite literally pressing a button edifies nothing. yes, it will give me a weak orgasm but it doesn't satisfy. i put drogo in the trash last thursday. i need to seek intimacy. period.

i had a long conversation with a customer that went off topic. our conversation quickly turned into talking about our personal lives then prayer. she said that i was going to have a family of my own. i'm going to have a kid and the person that i'm going to marry is going to have my back. the latter part of that statement actually resonated with me. like it reverberated through my entire body. i've been saying that in my head for ages now. no one. absolutely no one has my back. yes i have friends but no wants the deepest part of me. no one can tell if i have something weighing heavily on my mind. i can tell with them. they may walk differently or mention something that tingles my spidey-sense. i don't ask because i don't think it's always appropriate and/or i can't be inundated with negativity.

i had to fight back tears when i heard her speak those words. i ended up getting a slap on the wrist for that 40-min phone call. a lead listened to the call live...he sent me a couple of messages on skype during the phone call to get me to wrap it up but i needed to hear the things she had to say. he did tell me that if management heard it there would be a serious problem. thankfully, they didn't hear it or no one has said anything. i've been keeping the calls to a minimum and only saying quick prayers that hopefully go unnoticed.

as the days go on, i loathe this position more and more each day. i am beginning to hate people, one for either being stupid and/or for being blatantly disrespectful and crass. i mean only british woman got on the phone and told me to speak english. i'm from kansas city...born and raised. now i see how someone that struggles with the english language feels when faced with such insults. another customer called me a "fucking bitch" because she hadn't paid her bill in 2 months and i couldn't remove her suspension so she could buy christmas gifts. her poor husband has to deal with that shrew. another lady whom hadn't paid her bill in 3 months was trying to access the remaining $27 of her "available" credit. what she essentially told me is that i didn't know anything and that the previous associate she spoke to had to have had at least 20-30 years of experience under her belt. hopefully she learned that i was correct when she walked out of that department store without the merchandise she wanted.

i hate this job. i'm thankful for the job, but i absolutely hate this job.

christmas was good this year. i was able to buy some gifts this year. the family that i visit has adopted me for all the family-esque holidays. the matriarch actually worked with my mother for a number of years. before i left to go home for the evening, i told her how much it means to me that i have somewhere to go for thanksgiving and christmas. if it wasn't for her i would have no one to see and nothing to do. she said that she would pick up where my mother left off and that i could call her at any time. i was chocking back tears. so was she.

oh yeah, before i forget. some fool kissed me at work a few weeks ago. i've given him the moniker, "bad grandpa". bad grandpa asked for a hug out of no where. he's never asked for physical contact previously. i wanted to say no but i thought that perhaps he could be dealing with something and needed a hug. i reluctantly went in from the side to give him a good old fashioned "church hug". this fool leaned in and kissed me on my neck. what in the entire fuck??!! i'm in shock. he said, "oh, is that sexual harassment??" i'm stunned. i can't say anything. i just end up walking away. how in the hell could he think that i wanted his mouth on me. now i avoid him at all costs. with the help of bryan (i'll go in detail about him another time), i am able to better manage my personal space.

and the final mention, 'A' sent me a "merry christmas" text at 12:45am. i just so happened to be awake because i decided to straighten my hair. i was hoping he would text me back so we could talk. he didn't. i sorta have a conversation rehearsed in my head. i want to talk about setting boundaries with our future conversations. i don't want to be the girl for him that lets him vent all of his woes. i just wanna hear the happy crap and keep it pushing.