it's sunday and the chiefs are playing at the superbowl. i can't watch. i feel like by me watching the game they are going to lose and we can't have that, now can we?

i dropped off my taxes to get them done today. i'm due about $900 bucks back. it's usually closer to $2k but i opted out of taxes on a check at the end of last year. taxes: an adult nightmare.

i got a physical on wednesday. i got on the scale thinking i was 232. my home scale is sadly mistaken. i'm almost 250lbs. i've been going through bingeing sessions every few weeks. i'm not sure if it's psychological or physiological. nothing fits. my body is changing in wasy where the current "manual" is irrelevant and i'm almost convinced that i should be on hrt.

the doc is going to test my a1c and my iron levels as i've told her i've been cold. the a1c because i've been indulging in more than my fair share of sweets. i'm actually considering getting on a weight loss pill mounjaro. i've been dealing with weight loss issues since i've been on this site. to be honest, i'm tired. i don't have the discipline required to keep this up long term. nevermind, i just looked up the side effects of mounjaro. the side effects are the same for ozempic.i don't need it causing any damage although taking a pill to solve a problem sounds good.

i'm emotional. if i think about the changes, or something remotely sad i'm going to burst into tears at any given moment.

i'm going to have to call my doctor again, although, i feel he is going to fight me on it since i'm not having the most severe symptoms of hot flashes and night sweats. i may have to find a new doctor but i'll give him another opportunity to try to treat me. my friend suggested i lie about having the more severe symptoms but i declined saying that i don't want it to be a higher dose which may cause more harm than good. you have to be careful when you play with hormones.

i just turned on the game because i want to see the halftime show. right now the chiefs are losing 3-0. i think i will stick to my original plan by not watching.

i think i'll have a glass of wine tonight. i have noticed this i've noticed changes with this journey with age. i'm less likely to drink wine or any alcohol for that matter. i just don't have the desire for it as i did prior to perimenopause. i bought a bottle of wine to celebrate the new year about a week prior. i took my first drink of that bottle about 2 weeks ago. now i'm going to make myself have a drink tonight. maybe it will help.

i find myself to be a bit more lonelier than normal. i want to beg for people's attention without sounding desperate.

SIDE NOTE: i just checked in on the game. chiefs are down 10-0. i'm just going to watch the the halftime show that's it. chiefs do a great job with 4th-quarter comebacks but i'm too nervous.

anyhoo, back to my loneliness. i only a couple of people check on me. one only deals with text messages. the only we do voicenotes on whatsapp. she hasn't responded to me all day. i made it a point to reach out to keith. i talked to him for about 45 min. at one part i laughed so hard i pee'd a little (thank you perimenopause). as soon as the call ended, the loneliness came back.