happy new year.

i've been struggling with everything it seems. perimenopause is definitely becoming more symptomatic.

my symptoms are a follows:

1. short-term memory loss/difficulty focusing
2. irregular period (i'm late by 2 weeks as i type although i had brief spotting this morning. a few wipes took care of it though)
3. bouts of depression but i can't tell if it's more than usual. but i am having dark thoughts. not so much suicidal but entertaining the desire to blink and disappear as though i never existed, if that makes any sense.
4. hair loss but i was already diagnosed with alopecia last year
5. weight gain. a whopping 232 lbs that i find is a bit harder to lose
6. some joint pain in my wrists
7. i'm a bit emotional. there are times where i feel like bursting in tears for no reason. perhaps there is reason but i would never cry about it previously.

i recently learned that all of your organs have hormone receptors. so with a decline in hormones your whole body is impacted. and the fact that perimenopause/menopause is not extensively studied is baffling to me. i find that doctor's dismiss your symptoms or tell you that unless you are experiencing hot flashes or night sweats they won't prescribe anything. you have to suffer through it until there are better options. they don't do this to men. women have to suffer because that's what the medical system does.

i had an epiphany not long ago. it's about 'A' but it just gives me another perspective of the relationship that we had. i was thinking about why i pursued any type of relationship with him. i pondered if i even really loved 'A'. could i really love someone that treats me the way he "loves" me? the answer is no. loving 'A' requires me not to be able to love myself. if i had truly loved myself we should have been over in '99. at the very latest, '02. so what was i thinking? i held the time we spent in '99 under the guise of perfection. true love. anything after those 3 months didn't quite live up to the hype. if anything, i was running off the fumes of memories established in those 3 months. then a revelation hit me. what really could those 3 months have done to make me want a guy for as long as i did. i wasn't in love with him. i was in love with my own imagination. it was easy to do since i didn't have a vision for my life. i was willing to throw my life to the wind than to be intentional about my own life. and now it all makes sense. now that i'm in perimenopause, i realize how i wasted my fertility on a desperate and misguided decision.

i even recall when i was at a cross-roads and had to make a decision back in '00. i had two choices. keep pursuing this relationship or have a family. i chose 'A' because i told myself that i don't have anyone else. that wasn't true. i had me. i should've chosen me. how the desperate and fearful decisions of a young adult impact the trajectory of your life.

i realize that my mother's decisions influenced my own. she chose my dad and believed she loved him although it was painfully obvious he didn't love her. there is no way she didn't know he didn't love her. it's quite possible that she didn't believe he loved her but she loved him and that was enough. or perhaps she was content in living in the prison she made for herself. maybe she was too scared to be on her own. she made a lot of fear-based decisions. even with all those possibilities, i can't decide if she was in love with fear or if she was in love with her imagination. maybe both. through the abuse. through the blatant disrespect. it wasn't until he threatened her life in public that she finally decided to leave. and even he still would torment her. she chose him out of fear because he got her pregnant in college. another desperate and fear-based decision. i'm not judging her because that's a scary situation and a hard decision to make especially when time is ticking. in the 60's and in the black community, a decision needed to be made to cover up what happened.

sometimes you only have one chance to make the right decision before the trajectory of your life goes left.

my mom's bday was on the 1st. i want to visit her grave. maybe i'll go on wednesday. as tumultuous as our relationship was i miss her. she aggravated me to no end but i miss her just being there. i wish things were different with us. as i am a few months from 48, i realize we have a bit more in common than i originally thought.

i got a merit increase a couple of weeks ago. it will be effective on the 9th. i was dang near irate about it. all last year all i would hear is how great i was doing. my numbers were great, etc. i get my merit increase and i was ranked as being average because i didn't make a business impact. after my all requests to work on my idp with my supervisor (which were never scheduled after being told they would be), the sups wonder why they scored so low on a survey on growth and development with their associates. but at the end of the day, it's my fault. i limited my resources down to one person. it takes a village.

i'm going to go to bed now.