so i didn't get the bid for a schedule change. apparently there was an influx of bids for 4x10s sun-wed leaving me on the outskirts of my desire to work 4 days a week. the selection was based on rank and i was just out of reach. i was able to keep my current schedule which is good because the last thing that i want to do is work until close or work wed-sat.

there was an hvac guy here a few days ago. he spoke calmness into my life regarding my finance issue. he said everything is going to work itself out. he asked me a question. he asked something to the effect of, "how much of it is stress and how much of it is you?" i have to admit, most of it's me. i prayed about it and i just have to let God be God.

one of the side effects of perimenopause and one of the medications i'm on is itching. so guess who's itching now? i've been in perimenopause for a while now and there has been no itching sensation. however, i've been on the finasteride officially for 7 days now and this is what i've noticed. some pretty intense itching. i'm going to have to take off my necklace because it's agitating my already chaff neck. i've scratched my neck so much that it has changed color. so what do i do? i pray about taking the medication over the course of 8 months, i get my answer and now i'm itchy.

i'm itchy in two main places. the left side of my neck and my right side of my stomach. i'm going to have to try out some additional products to soothe the areas.

i will say the black cohosh root has helped me through the depression a ton but i'm still not out the woods yet. something is still not clicking. but i'll keep praying about.

it's around that time again. i'm craving love and affection. it is cuffing season after all. i've even gone so far as to look at poems and a few hallmark-esque movies. been thinking a bit about 'A' but this time it's different. it's now with acceptance that it was a relationship from my past that went on longer than it should have and that i'm excited for something new. even though i would like to start dating, it will require me to go outside and that i'm not ready to do.

i've been listening to some youtube videos about a permanent tolerable level of unhappiness. it's been quite interesting. the phrase has been centered around relationships but i'm focusing on myself. i'm officially 47.5 and i've been unhappy for a lot longer than i care to admit and i believe i'm living in a permanent tolerable level of unhappiness because i either believe i can't get out of it or i'm comfortable here. possibly both ideas aren't mutually exclusive. i want to delve into the idea a bit more but i have to focus on the solution instead of the problem.

i really desire to be a better version of myself. i really do. i just know that getting there is proving to be quite daunting.

oh before i forget, this is an anniversary week of sorts. i moved out of my parents house oct 3rd, 1998 so it's been 25 years i've been out from under my parents' chokehold. yes i still celebrate because it was that traumatizing. and i turned 47 and half. yes, i still acknowledge a 5-year olds tradition. and if you're asking, yes, i'm ok with it.