i'm fighting a consistent bout of depression that seems to rear it's head the night before i have to go to work. i feel it most noticeably sunday night and on wednesday night if i have a rotation to work that saturday. i have to keep going to get to the next step in my life.

the process of moving is going so much slower than i have anticipated but yet the things that need to be done keeps increasing. finances will be an issue i know. i can feel the anxiety building and self-sabotaging now. my self-medicating action is to start thinking about 'A'. it's quite sad that in the last 20+ years i reflect on my time with him (when things were good) to make me feel better. even more disturbing i don't find anything else in the last 20+ years to focus my attention. it's a knee-jerk reaction. i have to stop it. alas, i just don't know how. even after 20+ years.

two separate people sent me prayers this morning. one i haven't talked to in ages. i told her i was moving. i still have people to tell.

i need an adult and a hug.

it's late and i have to go to work tomorrow.