so i'm mad at myself. not entirely for what i did but what i have to unpack.

i convinced myself to contact 'A' because he could in a bad way because of covid. even worse, dead. and that would explain why he hasn't reached out after all this time. i got the number from my call history from vonage. i reach out asking if he was good. he responds back in the affirmative and expresses gratitude that i reached out and attempts conversation. i became engulfed in anger. so all my reservations for not reaching out were confirmed. "if he wanted to, he would". he tried to maintain a conversation but i was cold. i gave short answers without providing any detail. to make a short story even shorter, the gist of my answers tallied up to i was still breathing. he was able to read the room that i wasn't trying to talk and he stopped attempting to make conversation. i deleted his number. after another few months, the vonage call history will expire and i won't be able to retrieve it again.

so yeah, i'm bothered that i contacted him under the guise that he may not be okay and because i still had this flicker of a flame that he would make an effort to contact me just to say hi just because at one point in time we were close. he doesn't owe me that and i acknowledge it. my anger truly is in my reaction. i shouldn't have contacted him and i shouldn't have gotten angry that he hasn't may efforts to see how i've been doing. i need to unpack that. i need to unpack why i feel like he should think about me enough to contact me. he doesn't owe me that. he's already told me that he was fine if i was in his life or not. i'm experiencing the "not" and i need to figure out why it ruffled my feathers. i guess the song "forget me" by lewis capaldi sums it up best.

"'Cause I'm not ready
To find out you know how to forget me
I'd rather hear how much you regret me
And pray to God that you never met me
Than forget me

Oh I hate to know I made you cry
But love to know I cross your mind
Babe oh I
Even after all it'd still wreck me
To find out you'd know how to forget me
Even after all this time"

i think that's it. to know that someone i cared for so much can be ok with me not being there. perhaps the song "somebody i used to know" is apropos as well. either way, it's a confronting feeling. to know that he would treat me the same way as everyone else treats me.

i should have bought more chocolate. perhaps i should engage a counselor. but what would i even tell them? i still want a guy that i used to be in a relationship with almost 20 years ago to still call and check up on me. i think they'd have me in the looney bin. thank God for diaryland.