so remember how yesterday i was talking about if 'B' became a member of my church then i would have to leave the church altogether? well, i watched the service online today and guess who is speaking at church for father's day?! yep. they did a close up of him and i didn't see any wedding rings, so it's quite possible he's on his second divorce if the wedding went through as planned. he mentioned being married at 19 and for 16 years. he said his wife had cancer but he never mentioned if she died or if they divorced.

i unblocked him from FB just to do some research. no mention of a second marriage. he's got a few degrees, including a PhD. and he's written a book. am i nuts?! he's Dr. Jekyll around EVERYBODY but he's Mr. Hyde around me. he's getting blessed left and right. i'm even starting to tear myself down from the lack of accomplishments. i know i'm not supposed to do that. our walks are completely different. i was thinking that i'm overreacting and i should let everything go. but why? i see him as an anxiety trigger. i told a friend what happened. she said i have to do what i have to do to maintain my mental peace. God's trying to tell me something. i just told a friend yesterday that forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation then provided details of both. now, here i'm am confronted with this person that sends my anxiety sky high. i've forgiven his past transgressions because i want bygones to be bygones, however, because he continued his blatant disregard for boundaries that i put in place during our conversation i could see that he's still Mr. Hyde. and because of that all the past transgressions have come back. i noticed that martha is now friends with him on FB. physically, i believe he's martha type. granted, my anxiety is at 100 but if she hooks up with him, i'm prepared to let her go. this may be our last girls' weekend we celebrate this year. i'm stretching but i'm nothing if not a planner.

and i keep thinking about what that lady told me the other day. "you go through what you do so that God can deliver you."

i swear every time i see this dude and he's in my "space" no one cares.

perhaps i should ask God to help me see 'B' the way He sees him then i wouldn't have this issue. to see the soul and not the sin. i still wanna leave. i've asked a friend to pray for me when i get off work this evening. if it's anything comes out of the prayer i'll post about it later. ugh, my anxiety.