i'm up from my nap. those cookies hit me hard. at least they are gone and i can focus on good food. anyhoo, i'm fighting off loneliness by trying to focus on other things. more prayer time, reading, writing, etc. oh yeah, i think i mentioned that in my phantom entries. i've started writing a book. a christian book. it's still in the infantile state but it's more than i've ever written previously. when i get overwhelmed i pray that the words are not mine. i just have to be a conduit for what God wants to say to his people and immediately the pressure is taken away.

the loneliness is getting harder to manage. it's so quiet. granted, i talk less because of the nature of my job keeps me far away from the phone. however, at this moment, it's beyond quiet. it's a deafening silence. i've turned my comfort zone into a cage it seems. i miss going to the movies. the movies that are coming out now don't interest me. that is saying a lot. my tastes have matured i guess. i've even tried to kick start my reading bug by going back to a book i read in college. it was my absolute favorite book. now that i'm reading it, i'm less than satisfied. these all could be good things. i should have higher standards than i did when i was 20. so putting that in perspective, i guess i'm right to feel the way i'm feeling.

i miss flirting. i miss having contact with the opposite sex. it's been 2 years since someone has flirted with me. about 10 years since my last kiss. at times, i still want to contact 'A'. i stay strong. i just find something else to do. i try to stay connected with mark, but it's hard at times to get his attention. no one is available to me. this is a clear sign that i should work on my areas that need work and just used to the deafening silence.

i was in a scope the other day. a lady prayed for me. she confirmed that i need to write the book. she also said that i am stronger than i think i am. that everything that i've been through is to deliver me. that i'm powerful. those words made my entire existence purposeful. i pray that i'm able to do everything that God wants done to a "T".

i think looking for a job is futile. there is absolutely nothing available that i want. i've scoured job boards and there is nothing that grabs my attention. nothing. absolutely nothing. my friend is starting a new chapter in her life by studying to be a nurse. she can relate to me being a career changer because she's tried many careers since her departure from IT. she suggested perhaps i should write a book. i'm getting confirmation on this book left and right. but what i'm starting to piece together is that i'm not going to be able to get another job. the book will be my job. from that i will generate income and i will be able to quit customer care. talk about lighting a fire under my butt. i want to get this done quickly.

i almost forgot. i was scrolling through some church photos on their website. they did some volunteer work at a hospice facility. then i see 'B'. the guy i mentioned in an entry years ago. plain as day with a big smile on his face. he's a nutjob. i know his mother goes there. he's been there a handful of times. but he's never actually joined the church. i really have to stick to my guns. if he ends up becoming a member of the church, i will have to find another church. he's insane i refuse to deal with him. he's married again and i feel sorry for his new wife. she doesn't know what kind of monster she married. prayerfully, she won't end up finding out. i'm not attending church at this time because i'm working on sunday but my schedule isn't a permanent situation. i will have to find other arrangements if he has joined.

i'm gonna read for about an hour. i need to talk my mind off loneliness for while.