so i just need to catch up.

i've reached my breaking point with my job. it's negatively impacted my performance. i'm hanging up on customers, i'm curt, i'm not pleasant. i'm over it. i've even put myself on mute and let out a blood-curdling scream. i've never done that previously. i'm in a bad mental state. really bad. i've even talked to one customer that was such an asshole that i had a vision of myself putting a small sharp knife to my neck to slice open my jugular vein. i'm stuck. i don't have too much longer left in me. i told God if he doesn't send help i'm going to cut my throat. moments later, i got a text from a lady that i pray with on occasion. the text was a link to a sermon by td jakes. it was just what i needed. my nerves are paper thin.

i applied at a sister company over the weekend. a former coworker is rubbing it in just how easy it is. he does his emails in the morning and took 5 phone calls the rest of the day. you know how much studying i could get done?? he said that he would refer me and all i need to do is just apply. if i don't get a response by the end of the week, i'm going to go through the channels to either take off for std or fmla. i spoke to a therapist last sunday. she actually encouraged me to get fired...that i wasn't expecting. she wants me to quit and get unemployment. she advised me to take std, i need a doctor to put me on medication. however, if i do that they will be less likely to pay my leave since i'm in school. if i'm too depressed to go to work, i'm too depressed to go to school. however, the thought i had was to get a prescription filled and not take it. just to get the time off of work. but the earliest i could get that done is mid october. i really don't think i can wait that long.

i've been stressing so much. i've been inhaling sugar left and right. it's so bad now i'm craving it. i've packed on weight. i've stopped working out. i've just thrown discipline to the wind and embraced chaos. i have to make a switch.

i'm seeking God not only for a job but i miss him. i miss knowing him more. i miss the peace. i need God to move soon.