my apologies. i've attempted to update at least three times around the holidays and each attempt came up short.

the holidays are really hard for me these days as i loneliness seems to wrap itself around me and holds on tight. i did go to church around christmas and i won a gift :) and even better i got to see a few faces that i hadn't seen in years. i spent a few hours with them which was a breath of fresh air. i even saw the antagonist of my formative years. i deliberately chose not to speak to him. although, i'd never ignore him if he spoke to me. i felt troubled by my decision afterwards. and i'm not sure how how to decipher the true reason. i'm not sure if it's avoidance of the issue or a kneejerk reaction to protect myself. i addressed the issue with him years ago, however, he still exhibited actions that caused me to have trauma in the first place. i forgave him but saw the red flags that confirms he can't be part of my future.

i liken him to the WB frog in the cartoons. the one that sings and dances with the top hat and cane in front of one person but as soon as he is in front of other people he stops dancing and singing. everybody sees dr. jekyll but i get to witness mr. hyde.

i decided to remodel the 2nd floor of my home. new flooring and new bathrooms. definitely overbudget but everything is looking great. i do have a bit of buyer's remorse. i chose a dark brown shade for the flooring and after it was installed i saw that the trend now is a muted blonde wood tone. and if i had considered that i would've gone with the lighter tone. it would've been more cost effective because i wouldn't have to go to great lengths to change the color of the other wood in the house. i do have to paint the doorframes regardless, but the wood in the kitchen needs to be stripped and stained. same with the railings. but what has been done can't be changed. i'll just have to get creative with the decor. i plan on painting in my room and i'd like to work on my closet next. it's a builder's grade setup and i would like to build something to be more streamlined. same for my laundry room. i've been following a number of influencers that have some great ideas that i want to implement. all these things take money that is dwindling by the day. i really need to make more money. good news about the money. the rent increase will start next month so i'll have a bit more to reduce the credit cards. i've been tacking on the necessities required for the remodel and i'm scared to look at them.

quick update as it's about 3 days after i started this entry. my credit cards total about $3500. i now have to devise a plan to pay that off before the end of the year. that $350 tiffany is going to start paying me next month is going to help me considerably.

i have some good news. i've been designated as team captain for our team. i'm ambivalent towards this title as it's juvenile, however, it gives me some positive visibility. my supervisor already let me know the department director sees me. i've been given a lot of good feedback from customers. there is some talk about me taking over a project that is currently using google docs but will transition to using jira. they are looking at getting me the education materials so that i can take over. this is going to require that i rely on my IT skills that i haven't used in almost 7ish years. personally, i would love to avoid it but i need to advance and feel like i'm growing professionally but also contributing to my company.

ohhhh, get this. i almost forgot to mention. my co-worker thinks i'm a dullard. let me explain. when i became the team captain, i needed a rundown of duties, xyz. i was instructed to manually go through all the tickets in zendesk to find the individuals on my team with open tickets as well as monitor the SLAs. that's a drudgery on another level. however, i know that i can configure zendesk views to do the same thing so i don't have to work. i mentioned it to said co-worker and she started jumping for joy. i'm thinking she didn't know how to manage the views because my sup didn't. she said she did know but didn't tell me because she "didn't think i was efficient". hence, "dullard". people will always let you how what they think of you one way or another. now i know.

school starts this week. so i have a fairly new job, 2 classes for spring semester, and a jira project that i have difficulty comprehending. this is going to be a tell-tale first few months.

guess what i learned yesterday. i was watching a guy's story on instagram. he said to build confidence you have to keep promises to yourself. and i really thought about that statement. i don't keep my word to myself. i always look for an excuse. i have to work on that. i'm going to work on my vision board today and i'm going to add that to it.

the remodel is almost done. the contractors were supposed to show up saturday so they can be done with everything on monday. i specifically asked each of them if they were coming by and they both said yes. i didn't see either one of them yesterday. now the work is going to be delayed by another day so tuesday all of it should be done. i just want them out of my house. they've been in my house for 3 weeks limiting my ability to move around like i want. i have 3 inches of dust on everything, including the floors. i want to start cleaning and decluttering at the same time and they are delaying it. but they will be gone soon enough. they are doing a beautiful job so i'm not going to say they aren't worth it. i just want my quiet time back before tiffany gets here. thankfully, she's thinking of coming back late feb.

my mental health is a lot better, although, i do have bouts of loneliness at times. i've cleared out my contact list enough that i only have 4 guys to talk with on occasion. keith, mark, 'A' and jeff. jeff is hard to catch. i essentially haven't talked to him in years so there isn't any point. keith, my best friend so by no means a flirt option, works 3rd shift so it's only slighter easier to talk to him than jeff. mark, falls asleep after 9 so he's of no use for human contact. 'A', well i do my best not to put myself in the position. and now that i think of it, i deleted his number. he'll have to contact me if he wants to talk.