last month i had a dream that has continued to linger.

in the dream, i saw two men. i assumed they were brothers. one was younger, attractive and well dressed. however, i couldn't see his face. the other was a lot older, emaciated, sickly and not well taken care of. i later saw the older attempt to escape. our eyes met and i saw him mouth the words "help me". i assumed that the younger brother wasn't taking care of the older one. through revelation, they are not bothers. but sin and the spirit. the sin was attractive and well-kept, but the spirit was neglected. this is my father.

with the conversation i had just a few weeks ago, i now see the connection. he doesn't have a lot of time left. i'm confronted with the death of my last parent. the one i haven't seen in about 8 years. i feel in my spirit that he might see 78 (and even that feels doubtful) but he will not see 79. he's going to go quick. i believe i'm going to be his last opportunity to repent and rededicate his life to God. i've been calling him since thursday. he hasn't been answering the phone. i'm going out there tomorrow. i have to tell him. i'm troubled that because he hasn't been answering my calls he might already be gone, that or he's ignoring me. i feel a bit of emptiness and the urgency for his salvation has waned. i think he might already be gone.

i'm feeling numb about the whole thing. i really have no one to discuss this with. and to be honest, what can i really say. i'm not sure how to articulate what i'm feeling other than numbness. well, i take that back. the one that told me to reach out to him is the one i've been talking to about it. she said he may cuss and be bitter but at least he would have had the opportunity to repent. it's up to him to do it.

i remember when i was a little girl, he used to drag me out of bed after i had already been asleep to pray. i hated it. i didn't know God and i didn't want to pray. but he told me what to pray and i obeyed. i think that is why i'm his last shot. God using me to reach him the same way he used him to plant a seed in me.

the average life expectancy is 79. i really don't think he's going to make it to 78. just the thought of knowing that i won't have any living parents is sobering and i don't know how to process it.