it's been so long since i updated. my mind has been running 100 mph everyday it seems. i'm always thinking and pondering about something...everything.

first i need to answer questions that i've been getting in my notes. first question is regarding transitioning to a plant-based diet. i haven't totally transitioned to a plant-based diet. first and foremost, i need to be educated on how to do it properly. when i went raw vegan (cold-turkey) a few years ago, my only focus was if it is vegetable, fruit, nut or seeds...eat. i did it all wrong. by the end of the second month, i was feeling horrible and i wasn't thinking clearly. a nutritionist told me i had to eat meat and i've been off the wagon ever since.

i think i'll transition slowly into a plant-based diet this time by starting out by being pescatarian. out of all animal flesh, seafood is my favorite. i can forgo anything else as long as seafood is in my diet.

the second question i got was how are things? my answer is i don't know. job-wise. i'm learning new things everyday. i keep getting asked, "do i like my job?" the answer is i love my new hours. my new hours are from noon to 8:30pm. the new hours allow me to wake up early, pray, read, workout, fix breakfast and then get ready for work. i love not feeling rushed in the morning. i have absolutely no anxiety in the morning. love it. i get paid shift differential at 10% more which is not a bad perk. but at the end of the day, the job is not fulfilling and it won't be. i need to dedicate at least 2 hrs a week to finding a dream job. that goes on my list.

workout wise, i'm doing better. i'm trying the new dvd set, piyo. so far so good. i was expecting more of an intense workout but we'll see how things go.

volunteer wise, i think this will be my last CASA case for a while. my interest in it has waned severely since my mother died. i haven't written a report in a few months and that is a red flag. i need to finish strong.

the hospital advocacy was in jeopardy this past week. two of the five hospitals i service are now requiring advocates to get an annual flu shot. i have so many reservations about a flu shot it's not even funny. people think the worst thing that can happen is you get a bad cold...no siree bob! i've seen reports of people losing an arm, Guillain-Barre and CIDP. i'm good. they'll have to hog tie me naked and gag me with cantaloupe before i'll ever give permission for a flu shot. you have to dig down so deep to find any serious complications from the flu shot that it really looks like a conspiracy. but back to the hospital advocacy, since this is now a requirement they said i couldn't be an advocate. i was truly heartbroken. but i had to think about it, what were they going to do for me if i got one of the more serious complications from the flu shot? absolutely nothing. they came back to me a couple of days later saying that if i agree to wear a surgical mask or stay more than 6ft away from the patient i could maintain my status. well, we have a winner. that i can do. hospital advocacy is what i'd rather do. i'd rather do it over CASA so i'll keep it.

i've been thinking a lot more about my parents. i've been sobbing over my mom non-stop it seems. it's so hard to swallow that i won't see her again on this side of heaven. before she died, i could only think of bad things that transpired with her. now i have all the oddest memories of her. fun memories. mother/daughter moments. i remember her showing me how to crack an egg. her calling me inside from playing to give me a bowl of pudding. the thoughts are so random. the only thing that stops my tears is focusing on a bible verse. Jesus said that God is a God of the living not the dead. so mama isn't "dead" but living in heaven with God. that is the only thing that comforting my heart.

my dad. i've been mulling my intent over including "donate to Safehome domestic violence shelter" on the back of mama's funeral pamphlet. i wanted people to know the type of monster he is. i wanted to help other people get the resources that she never had. she is a domestic abuse survivor. that is the greatest accomplishment that she ever did. i can now admit that my act was vengeful. and for that i am wrong. but at the same time, i wanted to honor her for her accomplishment. i wanted everyone to know she survived him.

a lady at work actually knows both of my parents. and attends the same church. i talked to her for a few minutes and she asked about my dad. she said she hasn't seen him in several months. probably about 7. that is around the time of mama's memorial. he won't show his face there now. so it's obvious that she hasn't heard why. i didn't elaborate but i did tell her that he's done stuff so bad that my brother nor i will have anything to do with him. she asked if she should send the deacons after him. i told her no, the only thing that will help him is a move of God so continue to pray.

you know what's funny. a few weeks ago, i go to the alter at church to pray for my relationship with God to grow deeper. a visiting minister immediately asked me how my relationship was with my parents. i was upset initially because i'm focused on moving forward without him. but i want God to have His way in my life in every area. i don't want to limit God in my life. i limited God in regards to my relationship with my mom and i'm at crossroads when it comes to my dad. i can go down the same road as i did with my mom and hold her at arm's length or i can allow God to work a miracle with my dad in my life. i'm continuing to pray for him. i need to pray for myself regarding him as well.

my brother told me that there is an "issue" with the colonoscopy that he got a few weeks ago. he has been putting off going to the doctor to find out what this said issue is. he decided to go this friday. i've been keeping him up in prayer. that regardless of the outcome that his relationship with God be established and grow deeper. and now just thinking about it, i need include the relationship with his father be reconciled as well.

i got all the windows in my house replaced. it cost me the price of a small car. that was unnerving but the deed is done. and they are stunning. up next, carpet and tile work.

i've fallen in love with yoga recently. well, love is a bad word but i'm quite smitten with it. i may decide to keep taking classes at the yoga studio. i find it freeing. for those few moments my thoughts slow down from 100 mph to about 5 mph and i like it.

i'm also going to take an oil painting class in the next couple of weeks at the local community college. for me, it allows me "spend time" with my mom. she used to love painting. she painted a few pictures and even won prizes for them when she was younger. i've taken up the hobby and i like it. i sometimes think of what it would be like if she was sitting next to me with a brush in hand. i go to a paint studio just to get a grasp of how acrylic paints and brushes work. one of the last paintings i did, van gogh's almond tree, came out really well. it's the best one that i've done to date. if you follow me on instagram it's there. i really think i should hang it somewhere in my house.

wow, it has taken me 2.5hrs to write this. time for me to go to bed. i'll talk to you soon.

thanks for listening.