it's been more than a month since i've written anything. i'll do my best to remember what i can.

work. it's patronizing at best. i have to kiss @$$ all day everyday. it's trying. good news is that i'm still being blessed. I got a .75 cent raise which i'm thankful for every penny. the raise kicked in on march 24th. my check will still be tight. i'm trying really hard to afford extras but it's seemingly difficult. even with working from home not using gas back and forth to work and reducing my eating out by more than 75% it's still a struggle. i'm able to save about $150 a paycheck. which is more than $0 when i actually worked in the office. i need something else. i need a paycheck that pays double what i'm getting now. money is a stressor i don't need. traveling, repairs, etc are just out of reach.

i talked to 'A' few weeks back. interesting conversation. in the text he asked if i was married. i said no, but i lied and said i was pregnant. he lost it. i found it comical that he said he needed alcohol. he said that he shouldn't feel some way about me being pregnant but he does. i told him to relax and that i was joking. i asked if he wanted to get me pregnant and he said that he would love to make that happen. i didn't say anything. the last thing i want to be is a single mom.

he mentioned that for christmas his child was on a cruise with her mother and brother. i'm so glad he wasn't able to talk to me during this time. it would have been complaint after complaint. i don't want to be his diary.

we had a fairly long conversation. he said he came to a realization that women don't need men. i burst out laughing and said you're damn right. when you're done, you're done. he took it personally. i didn't care. i didn't go into great detail but i said when i'm done, i'm done.

i'm currently on vacation for my bday next week. i took off my 4x10 shift which leaves me with a 10-day vacation. i'm fighting a really strong depression. i'm on day 3 of 10. i haven't done a thing but feed myself. doesn't help that i'm on my period. it's even taken me 3 days to finish this diary entry. but i'm going to force myself into a shower and i'm going to clean my house. i'm going to fix things. pray and meditate. my house is a reflection of my mental state. i have to get passed this funk by consistently working on it or get on medication. i should be enjoying my life. my vacation and being away from every single obnoxious account holder. every single breath. but i'm not. i'm on the couch fixated on everything that's wrong i should be looking for a new job. i should be in God's presence getting closer to Him.

that's what i'll do. once i get done with entry, i'll spend time with Him. it's been a few days and i'm in a dark place because of it.

my friend, tiffany, is back in town from jamaica. i found out she had a miscarriage at 2 months. she's in a dark place too. she spent a few months in jamaica coping with the loss. i had a feeling she was pregnant before she left. not that anything changed with her shape (she's shaped like a rail) i just noticed something was different. maybe God is trying to tell me something. i'm making it a point to check on her daily. she's dealing with this grieving, she lives by herself and she's not very social at work. that can be a combination for disaster.