i wonder if i will regret not having kids. i'm 38. i've only wanted to have kids with 'A' and even that was short-lived. i imagined myself pregnant with twin boys, joshua and caleb. i figured i'd be married 10 years ago and would start having kids at 30. it's funny how we look back at "future" plans and see how they all fell apart.

i see people with kids, albeit, they are adorable and a sight to behold, i have absolutely no desire to have one myself. the concept is utterly foreign to me. although, i've always wondered what it would feel like to be pregnant...except for labor and delivery...never cared for that aspect...but i wondered what it would feel like to have a life inside of you. growing and moving. establishing a connection without technically meeting. interesting.

joe sample died the other day. i played a lot of his music while 'A' and i were hanging out. so naturally i thought of 'A' when i heard the news. i wanted to call him for a brief second but i quickly realized that is something a friend would do. we are no longer friends. sometimes that is still a sobering fact but i know at the end of the day it is what is best for me. i loved joe sample's duet CD with lalah hathaway. a very sultry CD.

i've been reading a book by bob sorge called "Dealing with the Rejection and Praise of Men". very good book. it's letting me know that all the rejection i receive only draws me closer to God. i only need His approval. men's praise will only be my downfall. i'm looking to get so deep in God that people's faces don't faze me. their words no longer matter. i only want God. i'm really happy to be single. people are in such a rush to get married that they overlook the gift of being single. i can focus on God all i want without having to look after someone else. life is good.