so a few weeks ago i was reading my bible. i was reading about when moses confronted pharoah with plagues before leaving egypt. i questioned God on something that confused me. i noticed that moses would present a miracle/plague and pharoah's magicians would initially repeat the same "miracle"/plague. i.e., moses sent flies, so pharoah's magicians sent flies too. that didn't make sense. if you are "fighting" back you would do something that would counteract the attack. if someone swings at you, you block. it made no sense that if make flies, to fight it with more flies. what does double the amount of flies do? nothing. it's not a peeing contest. so i asked God there is something i'm not seeing and to please explain it to me. God told me it's people faking righteousness, but they can only fake it for so long. i say all this because i recognize now that there are areas of my life that i'm faking.

i'm finally going back to church after not going for about a year and a half. probably close to 2 years. i noticed that i didn't see 'B' last week so i figured he moved elsewhere as Martha mentioned some months ago. well, today i'm talking to someone at church about movies as that's our normal convo, and i notice someone trying to get my attention out the corner of my eye. it's 'B'. for christ's sake, seriously?! he waves at me and genuinely looks happy to see me. i wave back and for the life i can't figure out why he is walking over towards me. he hugs the guy first then opens his arms to hug me. i obliged out of being nice, however, the last thing i wanted to do was hug him. but when i did hug him i felt peace. like the past didn't matter. when we released the hug i felt the anger and disgust for him all over again. i well say those feelings are genuine. what's fake is that i'm not able to look passed the past offense. hence, i'm fake while trying to pretend i'm a christian. everything is so sobering. if i'm going to be committed to this walk i have to submit to the process. i'm reminded of Isaiah 4:1 - In that day so few men will be left that seven women will fight for each man, saying, "Let us all marry you! We will provide our own food and clothing. Only let us take your name so we won't be mocked as old maids." From a natural viewpoint, this is just the desperation of getting married with few options to choose from. However, if you look at it through spiritual eyes, this is what we tell God - "Claim me as your own. Identify me as a Christian, a follower of your word, but don't change me. I'll take care of myself, I really don't need you." my heart is grieved by what i'm doing. i don't want to hurt God. it's not my intention, but at the end of the day, intentions don't stop the hurt. i have trust issues that i need to get passed. i just don't know how to successfully do it. i think if i sit in his presence more i'll be able to overcome my mistrust issues. let offenses go. God heals the broken-hearted so why am i so resistant to Him healing me? trust. perhaps i'm scared of what i'll be if He heals me. God didn't give me the spirit of fear so why am i hanging on to this? God won't hurt me. He puts me in these positions to expose what's there so i can surrender.

it's by no coincidence that the name of today's sermon is "Let It Go".