so it took 3-4 weeks of me searching for a doctor all to find out that my insurance is no longer paying 100% for short-term disability. however, they are paying a devastating 70%. it's only march and i heard they dropped it twice down to 70%. the first drop was to 80% then down to 70%. i know it was a deterrent because people were abusing the insurance. people would even go as far as getting temp work to collect 2 checks. now that i feel that i'm at my breaking point i can't get the break i desperately need. prayerfully, my trip to jamaica will provide me the restoration and reset i'm seeking.

i'm terribly overweight. far heavier than when i was when i went to jamaica in 2017. i was actually a decent size 10/12. i know i'm every bit of a 16/18 now with not many options to wear on my 10-day trip. i just have to make whatever i have work. we'll see. to be honest i want to spend roughly 80% of my time at the beach and eating fruit. i have no desire to do much. just water, sand, sun and fruit. some museums and a handful of sites. i hope i don't put a strain on our friendship by spending a majority of time at the beach.

today was a bad day. the first customer i talked to caused me to want to stab myself in the neck. people are absolute idiots and to make matters worse they are rude idiots. i'm an even bigger idiot because i'm still working this job after 3 years. my jamaican friend (whom i'm staying with in 16 days), quit the company this past thursday is currently enjoying jamaica today. she'll be home for 2 months carving out a new chapter in her life. she's planning a wedding and going to resettle in florida. new chapter. and here i am. doing absolutely nothing. not bettering myself whatsoever. i just don't know how to carry out accomplishments. never have really.

what really hurts is i went to church on sunday. 'B' was there and got my attention during the meet and greet. i was walking to talk to someone else and i saw a dark figure in my peripheral. he called my name and i initiated the hug without hesitation. that was fine. i felt no animosity whatsoever. in fact i felt peace. but i still have my limits. 'B' was a guest speaker. my pastor is extremely impressed by him. and to be honest so am i. he has gotten four or five degrees in various areas of education including a doctorate and has written several books. then to add more to his pedigree, not only is he getting many offers for superintendent positions across the nation, he also does consultant work for apple and amazon. to top it all off he has become an entrepreneur to educate kids to acquire tech skills to be ready for the future of tech jobs in 10 years. the hell. and for the last 20 years i've been crying over 'A'. i've literally wasted my life. i'm embarrassed to call myself an adult.

i desperately needed prayer after church. i go to one of the prayer counselors and asked her to pray as God leads. when i usually say that people gear the prayer around me. and 90% of the time it's an answer i'm seeking. this time she prayed about what's on the local news. *le sigh* i wasn't leaving without prayer. i asked my god mom's husband to pray for me. he just hugged me and said, "he that has no sin cast the first stone" and that was it. it always comes down to forgiveness and judgement with me. i'm never able to get it right. i really hate when i see me through God's eyes. the disappointment is great. i really can't stand myself.

to be honest. i'm so disappointed with this life. i'm tired of existing. it's taken me 2 hrs to type this. i'm going to go to bed.