welcome to corona 2020.

this should be on a beach in Jamaica right now but i'm self-quarantining. it wasn't an easy decision. in retrospect, it wasn't my decision. i was determined to go on my trip to celebrate my 44th on april 4th and nothing was gonna stop me. not even a virus. keith was trying to convince me to stay and not risk it. i said the only way i'm not going is if the airports close. not 3 seconds later, both airports in jamaica closed. that's God's way of telling me to stay home.

initially, i was really upset. i planned this trip since the end of 2019. i was kicking myself that i didn't leave a week early so i'd be stuck in jamaica for at least a month. but realistically, it would be too hard to live with someone for a month unexpectedly. not only that, they've closed most of the tourist attractions, beaches included, so i'd have nothing to really do. but then again, doing nothing in jamaica is far better than doing nothing in kansas. but alas, i put things in perspective. i'm healthy. i'm not in a hospital bed fighting to breathe. that's all that truly matters. people are dying left and right while the infection numbers increase. so now making that my focus, i'm all about it staying home on the couch. i'm spending more time with God. i've been a couple months out of the loop. today was the first day i made an effort to spend time with God. i wish i was better at this.

i think melvin is trying to dick me down. he reached out to me on fb. he's never done that. what he's doing comes across as being benign in sending me questions to answer. i asked him what's the purpose in this and he says because he wants to get to know people better. i told him he could just call if he wanted to get to know me better. those aren't the only reason why i think he's trying to dick me down. we were chatting last week and i referred to his culinary skills combined with thc. long story short, he said he would like to get me high if i wanted. his enthusiasm was much higher than i'm comfortable. did i say that he tried to get me to lick a knife with homemade whipped cream that he made when we worked together? did i mention that he told me that his ex-wife's husband called melvin singing his praises of the things he taught his wife in bed...all while we're at work?. did i also mention that i met his sister through a fluke and said that melvin got married 2 months after he said these things to me?

a rare interest in fucking me but no interests in loving me.

i've called around to check on some people in NY during this time. everybody is ok so far for which i'm thankful. i thought about texting 'A' just to see if he's ok. i decided against it. he's listed as "he said he's good" in my phone. he'll just have to be good.

i made an unsuccessful attempt at getting short-term disability from work for 6 weeks. i struggled for weeks to find a doctor that would approve the time. i found one but she's a bit of a weak link. she understands me completely but we'd have conversations twice to reiterate what was said in the first conversation. she tried to get me a loop hole with my time off by getting me on a "sleep-aid" to treat me for anxiety since i was apprehensive about getting on an anti-depressant. she said that me getting enough sleep was imperative in getting over the anxiety along with taking vitamin D supplements. i get the meds and read the documentation. the documentation clearly states it's an anti-depressant that needs to be taken at bedtime because it causes drowsiness. ummmm, no. i'm not taking it. plus it said not to take it when using marijuana. well, i brought some weed brownies to help me celebrate my 44th bday. i can't suffer a bad reaction with anti-depressants. only bad things can happen i suppose. i decided to take some over the counter melatonin instead. i've taking it for a couple of days and i must say it's pretty good. i wake up well-rested. i think i need an anti-anxiety med. i find myself being overwhelmed with life causing me to shutdown. i'm binge eating to self-medicate. i may bring this up the next time i talk to her.