i'm taking a quick break from studying because i need to do something a bit cathartic. i haven't made an entry in a few weeks.

tiffany's birthday went well. i made her pancakes, scrambled eggs for breakfast and made a birthday cake. we did a little shopping at the local tuesday morning. i had an engagement picture printed and bought a pretty gold frame as a gift so she would have something to remind her of home to view.

my bday is around the corner. 45. wow. i'm not going to be 23 forever after all. getting old is an adjustment but i'm doing what i know to do and that is try to get myself healthy. i'm down 37 pounds total. at least according to the scale this morning. i was stuck at 188 for about a week. now i'm sitting at 185. i need to lose about 10 more for those size 10 jeans to feel more comfortable. i can wear them with no problem but they are just snug. i want a more comfortable fit. i tried on 3 dresses that were too small when i bought them. i can now get them on but for all 3 i need to lose an additional 10-15 lbs for them to flow a bit better. right now there isn't much room for movement. the trouble areas are my torso. my back is still wide even though my bras are fitting so much better. they are actually comfortable again. but i wanna step out making the dresses look good. btw, i don't like how i look in these dresses with curly hair. i'm gonna have to straighten it. i think it will look cute straight and short hair. i think straight hair in these particular dresses will allow me to achieve the look i want in these dresses.

i will give myself a pat on the back. i haven't ordered out or had any delivery for two months. that's an accomplishment because i tell you when i signed up for uber eats and door dash, i've been a consistent customer. i think i'm saving money because i'm definitely eating what i purchase. when i was ordering delivery, a lot of food went to waste.

i got my stimulus check on wednesday. i made a bee line to pay off my credit card. $700 bucks. between my birthday and home maintenance i'm not going to get to save much. i could do overtime, but i honestly hate my job and i don't want to make one effort in talking to the general public if i'm not required to do so. people are crazy. it makes me wonder how crazy i am when i have to call customer service.

i've been terribly distracted. i didn't get much studying done but what i did read i do understand which is a nice change of pace. i've been bombarded with thoughts of my past. primarily thinking of 'A' and i don't understand why. but i have noticed a pattern. when i get anxious and overwhelmed, i tend to run to thoughts of us early in our relationship to make myself feel better. self-medicating. i can't keep doing that. those thoughts aren't helping me address my struggles nor helping propel me into my future.

i scored my elite schedule for another quarter. hopefully i will be able to retain it until i'm fully out of this job.

there is more to type but i want to be in bed by a certain time and i want to read another section of my chapter. to be honest, i should be done with this chapter and starting the second chapter by now. i just couldn't get my thoughts together. i need to allow myself some grace. i haven't been in school in over 20 years it's going to take me more time to get acclimated to being a non-traditional college student.

i'll say this before i go. eating clean for the entire month is more of a struggle than i thought it would be. i'm deviating from the plan just a tad. i've incorporated some hot food. namely quinoa. and i've started snacking on crackers. not many but i've acknowledged i am starting bad habits towards the end of my immediate goal to eat clean for the entire month. i need to stay focused. self-sabotage will try to overtake me if i let it. i just have 8 days left as i'm fasting on friday and saturday. i wonder if i can lose 5 more pounds by the end of the month. my goal is to lose 15 for this month. i think i've lost 10 which is still good. i'm so close to reaching my goal i have to keep perserving.

i miss my mom. i'm not sure why as we were never friends. oil and water on a good day. but i still miss her. i think no one acknowledged that she was the glue that kept what family i did have together. now that she's gone, i have no one. it's sobering.

oh oh oh before i forget. i was praying. i was talking to God. i said i feel justified in not speaking to my father nor my brother but at the same time I don't think He's happy with it.

i need to update on plumbing, the car, dallas, and future trips.